Recently, while ordering a ceiling fan for the nursery I’m preparing, the salesman, Mike, informed me that delivery might take at least eight weeks. With a glance at my flat stomach, he confidently assured me that was plenty of time. I smiled, concealing the truth that my baby is due in just eight weeks. I didn’t want to delve into my medical history, so I let him believe I was seven months along.
As I write this, I’m anticipating the arrival of my child in two months through gestational surrogacy, using embryos created from my husband and me. This journey has been filled with emotional highs and lows over the past four years, and it’s still hard to believe it’s actually happening. I remain superstitious about celebrating too soon, preferring to wait until I’m holding my baby. I often feel uneasy when other women post their ultrasound images online; I just don’t relate to that experience yet.
Our journey began with a visit to a high-risk pregnancy specialist who reviewed my medical records. Without much tact, he bluntly stated that carrying a child wasn’t safe for me and suggested finding a surrogate. Until that moment, my husband and I had never considered that option. We were aware that IVF was our path to conception, but not that I wouldn’t carry the baby myself.
Over the next several years, we saved diligently and secured a loan. I underwent two rounds of IVF to create embryos for our surrogate and completed two fresh IVF cycles once we found her. If these terms sound foreign, don’t worry; I felt the same way initially. It’s only through this journey that I’ve become well-versed in the process.
We explored many avenues for finding our surrogate, including international options in countries like India, Ukraine, and Canada. Ultimately, in January 2013, I received a text from a friend in Oregon who introduced me to Sarah, a nurse eager to help me become a mom. She had experienced successful pregnancies herself and was passionate about making a difference in someone else’s life.
A year and a half after that initial contact, Sarah became pregnant with our child. However, it wasn’t an easy path; we faced two unsuccessful transfer attempts before the third one succeeded, proving that sometimes “third time’s the charm.”
While it’s been an odd experience to see people assume I’m pregnant, it’s also isolating. When I’m in stores, I try to connect with other pregnant women, but they have no idea what I’m going through. I don’t have the visible bump that signifies my journey.
Now, as I approach the end of this process, I often find myself scouring websites and magazines but notice a glaring absence of representation for women like me who aren’t physically pregnant. Articles about surrogacy are often hidden away in the depths of those sites, overshadowed by the typical pregnancy narrative. I don’t envy the growing discomfort of my surrogate or the women around me; I’m thankful to avoid that physical strain. Yet, I miss out on the nightly kicks my surrogate describes and tries to share with me through video, which doesn’t quite capture the moment.
I feel a sense of disconnect, longing for camaraderie with other new mothers. Recently, at a pediatrician appointment, the doctor mistakenly addressed the very pregnant woman next to me, which highlighted my invisibility in this journey. My husband and I also attended a baby care class filled with expectant mothers, and I couldn’t help but feel out of place. Yet, I met another woman who also has a surrogate, and we bonded over our shared experiences.
In the end, I need to focus on gratitude for this miracle. Many women endure far more challenging paths; some have faced multiple IVF attempts, miscarriages, or have been unable to conceive at all. My experience, while unique, is also a blessing. I eagerly anticipate holding my baby and forging that bond that is truly mine.
Update: Our daughter was born three weeks ago, and I feel that profound connection. I’m now a mom, navigating the joys of feedings, sleepless nights, and the endless worry of keeping my child safe. I’m excited to share my journey and insights with women facing similar struggles. After holding my breath for nearly four years, I can finally exhale and embrace this new chapter in my life.
For additional resources, check out this excellent guide on IVF and fertility preservation, as well as insights on Kegel exercises during pregnancy and postpartum benefits.