Dear Beloved Offspring,
By now, you should be aware that your mother is not exactly a morning enthusiast. For your own good, I’ve put together a list of actions you should steer clear of until I’ve had my much-needed coffee. (Oh, delightful elixir of life that grants me clarity in this chaotic world!) Heed this list, for if you disregard it, I cannot be held accountable for what may transpire. Consider yourselves warned.
- Do NOT charge up and down the stairs like a stampede of wild animals. Imagine a herd of woolly mammoths. Even a pack of rambunctious elephants couldn’t create as much ruckus as you three do first thing in the morning.
- Do NOT inquire about breakfast. You are no longer helpless little toddlers. I relinquish my duty of feeding you in the morning. I provided dinner last night, which was less than 12 hours ago. I’m indifferent about your breakfast choices. Feel free to rummage through the fridge. Cold pizza and mayonnaise sandwiches are perfectly acceptable options in the absence of cereal.
- Do NOT bombard me with questions. Please refrain from asking if you can sleep over at a friend’s house, seek an advance on your allowance, or request the last container of yogurt. I assure you, the answer will be “NO!” This includes any random inquiries about math problems or historical facts. Let’s just save all questions until I am fully awake.
- Do NOT turn on the television. I lack the fortitude to withstand Sponge Bob or any Disney programming until I’ve had enough caffeine. (Honestly, I don’t have the stomach for it even after coffee, but caffeine generally reminds me that I love you.)
- Do NOT make irritating sounds. Whistling, humming, giggling, or any outlandish noises will not be tolerated. No beatboxing or exaggerated chewing of food. And please, spare me the Disney songs that will linger in my mind for the rest of the day. You’re already achieving that all on your own.
- Do NOT report any grievances, whether real or imagined. Refrain from telling me your sibling called you names or took the last slice of bread. Please, keep tales of bathroom lock-ins and stair-pushing to yourselves until I’m fully awake. Maybe we should just confine your sibling until I have my coffee.
- Do NOT let non-family members into the house. I know this usually happens on weekends, but no one outside our family should witness the groggy version of your mother before she’s had her coffee. Plus, your friends might encourage the noise-making mentioned earlier, and I refuse to be accountable for that chaos.
- Do NOT sneak up behind me to check how much coffee is left in my mug. This will only irritate me. It may even necessitate another cup of that magical drink, causing you to wait longer for my attention. So, please, just don’t do it.
Do not worry, my dear children; your mother generally returns to her patient and cheerful self after one cup (two if the night was particularly taxing with kids having nightmares or upset stomachs). Just grant me a few moments of tranquility to gather my thoughts and energy for the day ahead. Thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation.
Warm regards,
Your Affectionate, Yet Uncaffeinated Mother
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