Kids sure grow up quickly, don’t they? If you’re having one of those days where you’re counting the minutes until your little one moves out and starts their own life, you know exactly what I mean. Just last night, as we watched little Emma take her first steps towards independence, my partner, Tom, posed a thought-provoking question: “If there were a way to freeze time and keep us young, would you want to have more kids?”
My immediate and hearty laughter was followed by a firm, “Absolutely not.” Surprisingly, I felt quite certain about my decision, but when he asked why, the reasons came rushing back. Nine months of discomfort, followed by excruciating labor pains and the horrifying moment when the doctor casually remarks, “I can’t determine where all this blood is coming from,” as bright lights shine down on you in a teaching hospital.
Yet, amid that finality, there’s a tinge of sadness. Emma is already 18 months old—no more first coos, no more initial wobbly steps, and no more scrunched-up faces in reaction to that first spoonful of revolting rice cereal. sigh
But when I start feeling nostalgic, I remind myself of the other baby milestones I won’t miss at all:
- The first instance of projectile spit-up that necessitates an immediate bath—clothes and all.
- Discovering the first dried-up umbilical cord stump lurking in footie pajamas.
- The initial panic call to Poison Control.
- The moment when the Poison Control operator chuckles upon hearing, “My baby just ingested Butt Paste.”
- The first time you venture out without a diaper bag, leading to a makeshift diaper crafted from socks and duct tape, all while avoiding contact with public restroom surfaces.
- The unforgettable moment when your nursing infant yanks out your hoop earring in one swift motion.
- Experiencing a diaper explosion that requires a complete teardown and sanitization of an entire pack-n-play.
- Realizing too late that you’ve been sporting two large wet patches on your shirt during a public outing.
- The sleepless night spent listening to your baby cry for seven straight hours, only for them to peacefully drift off just five minutes before your alarm goes off.
- The belated realization of baby-proofing needs—like installing a cabinet latch on the changing table right after finding your baby covered in baby powder.
See? I’m starting to feel a bit lighter already. Perhaps I should rename this list to “10 Baby Milestones I’m Grateful I Probably Won’t Experience Again,” although with a little one still around, it’s not too late for her to sample some Butt Paste.
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Summary
Navigating the early years of parenthood comes with its share of memorable and chaotic moments. While the joy of witnessing your child’s milestones is undeniable, there are some experiences, like projectile spit-ups and diaper explosions, that many parents would prefer to skip altogether. Reflecting on these challenges can provide a sense of relief as you cherish the more pleasant memories.