My partner, Tom, and I are the proud parents of four children, including a set of triplets. We have one older child (6) and three little ones (3). Yes, our lives are as hectic as you can imagine. Fortunately, Tom and I make a great team. When you find yourself, or rather are blessed, with triplets that quadruple your number of kids under 2, collaboration becomes essential for survival.
It’s a straightforward truth. Sadly, not every parent of multiples has the same experience, as evidenced by the staggering 75 to 80% divorce rate in such families. Tom and I strive to share parenting responsibilities as evenly as possible. However, since I work only two days a week, I spend most of my time with the children, which often means I am the one addressing their needs.
I take them along for grocery shopping, prepare all their meals, ensure they reach school dressed and fed, and keep up with their health and hygiene. I make sure they wear seasonally appropriate clothing and remain clean. I also handle the late-night wake-ups. Tom assists when he’s home, but the bulk of the childcare tasks typically fall on my shoulders.
That said, there’s one weekend each month when I have to work. As an RN, I’m scheduled for 12-hour shifts from 7 am to 7 pm. On those Saturdays and Sundays, Tom manages the kids solo.
On my last working weekend, Tom decided to take the kids to church, as we had recently reestablished our routine and helped them overcome their fears of Sunday school. I was supportive; since the kids were awake before I left, I laid out their Sunday clothes and styled Claire’s hair to make things easier for him.
Honestly, I had my doubts about whether he could pull this off. Typically, on Sunday mornings, I handle feeding the kids, dressing them, packing snacks, and getting myself ready—all while he showers and dresses.
When I called Tom later, I was surprised to hear that not only did he successfully take the kids to church, but he also visited his Grandma in the nursing home and treated them to lunch. I hung up feeling a bit down.
“What’s wrong?” asked my co-worker, Lisa.
“Oh, nothing. Just in a mood,” I replied.
“Why?” she pressed.
“Well, Tom took the kids out, and everything went fine,” I admitted.
I could see the confusion on her face, so I elaborated, “He took them out by himself, and there were no meltdowns, no accidents, no fighting—everything went smoothly.”
Lisa looked at me with sympathy.
“And what’s worse?” I added. “Now Tom will give me that look when I share my chaotic grocery store experiences with the kids. You know the one that says, ‘I don’t know what you’re complaining about, taking the kids out isn’t hard.’ I can’t stand that look.”
“So, what were you hoping for?” she asked.
“Well, for starters, I wish they wouldn’t do so well without me. Maybe a call asking for advice or a mishap, like a kid having an accident in the store—something that shows it’s not easy.”
Lisa’s expression shifted. “You wanted him to fail?” she asked, incredulously.
“No, that would be cruel,” I replied. “But I don’t want to hear everyone at church next week talking about how amazing Tom is. I don’t want them to call him a ‘super dad’ and suggest he deserves a gold star. He just took them out—something I do almost every day. It’s really not a monumental feat.”
“So, essentially,” she summarized, “you want a gold star too?”
“Exactly,” I affirmed, “where’s my mother effing gold star?”
This article was originally published on Dec. 28, 2010.
For more parenting insights, check out our other blog posts like this one about home insemination kits. You can also explore helpful resources on pregnancy like this one or learn about kids and health matters at this authority site.
In summary, parenting can often feel unrecognized, especially when one partner takes on a seemingly easy task alone while the other routinely navigates the chaos. The desire for acknowledgment and validation in the often tumultuous journey of parenting is universal.