As the gentle melody of “Bring on the Rain” plays softly in the background, I find solace in the familiar scent of my favorite apple-scented candle. The usual aroma of pine and the sight of snow blanketing the world outside do not surround me this year. Instead, I embrace the absence of seasonal cheer that often overwhelms the heart during the holidays.
It’s hard to fathom that another year has passed without my parents. On December 23, nearly 14 years ago, my mother succumbed to a long and painful battle with metastatic lung cancer. Just a year and seven months later, my father followed her. In the midst of this, I also faced the heartbreaking loss of a baby. At that time, I was in my early 20s, navigating the transition from college life to the workforce, recently married and settling into our first home.
Everywhere I turn, I am reminded of my past. The twinkling lights adorning windows, cheerful family photos populating my social media feeds, the scent of Chanel No. 5 wafting through the mall, and even the faint smell of pipe smoke can trigger a wave of emotion. While I strive to maintain a smile, some days are undeniably more challenging than others, and December 23 looms as the hardest.
Many parents can relate to the experience of loss during the holiday season. While others are celebrating, like me, there’s often a desire to retreat beneath the covers until the festivities have passed.
After my father’s death in 2002, I felt adrift without the guiding presence of my parents. They had been my greatest supporters, and without them, I struggled to find my direction. Although my in-laws and husband offered incredible support, they couldn’t fully comprehend the depth of my sorrow.
For those grappling with similar experiences, various resources exist to assist in navigating grief. Hospitals and faith-based organizations frequently offer support groups for those dealing with loss. I sought help from a grief counselor during the initial months following each death, and one of the strategies that proved beneficial was journaling my feelings—an endeavor that eventually transformed into a book. There were days when I permitted myself to fully feel and express my emotions, which was equally important.
Years have gone by, and now my daughters and husband are my everyday reality. Honestly, they often provide the motivation I need to keep moving forward. I often find myself wishing I could call my mom for advice about the little things—when to expect my kids to walk or talk, how she managed sleepless nights, or dealt with diaper rashes and sick babies. Unfortunately, those questions remain unanswered, and I don’t even possess a baby book to recall those precious early days.
Recently, during an interview with a local journalist, I was surprised when she said, “I never knew you were an orphan. You’ve never mentioned it.” It’s true; it’s not a secret, but I tend to keep it to myself. I’ve noticed that when people learn of my loss, they often look at me differently or seem uncomfortable.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. I understand the good days and the bad. Sometimes, I wish I could share a moment of empathy with you. Yet, we often hold it together for the little ones we brought into this world, pushing forward on those days when memories weigh heavily, hoping that time will help heal our deepest wounds.
Later today, I will light a candle in memory of my mother, as I do every year. I plan to share stories about my parents with my daughters, passing on the invaluable lessons they taught me. Like the rain, December 23 will eventually fade away—until next year.
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Summary
Life without parents can be particularly challenging during the holiday season. The author reflects on personal loss and the coping mechanisms that have helped navigate grief while also cherishing the lessons and memories of her parents. Through connections with her family and resources available to those experiencing similar hardships, she finds a way to honor her past and embrace her present.