Oh no, it’s that dreaded six-week post-baby checkup. You know what that means? Time to resume the intimacy with my loving partner. I mean, I do appreciate the act, but right now I’m just utterly worn out, nursing, hormonal, in discomfort, and let’s not even get started on my feelings of resentment toward him for not having to deal with breastfeeding. Did I mention how tired I am? I could easily fall asleep standing at a concert, yet I’m expected to sacrifice precious sleep time for sex? And let’s face it, sex can lead to pregnancy, something I’m not ready to sign up for again just yet. So, here’s a glimpse of my six-week checkup.
Doctor: So, what birth control are you using?
Me: Our baby.
Doctor: (blank stare)
Me: Seriously, he’s always between us, effectively blocking any romantic advances from my husband.
Doctor: What about when your baby starts sleeping in his own room?
Me: (blank stare)
Doctor: Have you considered any other methods for when that time comes?
Me: Can’t I just take a magic pill to temporarily make me infertile?
Doctor: Yes, it’s called the pill.
Me: No way! I can’t remember to take a pill every single day. I want something I can take once that will render me infertile for a while.
Doctor: Unfortunately, that pill doesn’t exist. How about a vasectomy?
Me: Yikes, that feels way too final. My husband is done, but I’m not entirely sure. Sure, I’m 40 (stop judging me!), but have you seen stories about women having babies at 62? I’m not ready to shut that door just yet.
After discussing my options, I realized that having a baby around is a better form of birth control than any of the alternatives available. Here’s my take on them:
- IUD: So many of my mommy friends swear by their IUDs, but then they complain about the little strings. Wait, what little strings? Apparently, they dangle from your cervix, and you’re supposed to check them periodically. This sounds like a permanent reminder of a bad mistake, like putting in two tampons by accident. Nope, not for me.
- Condoms: Let’s talk about the cost. They’re practically a small fortune! I remember when they were free in college (unless you attended one of those abstinence-only colleges, LOL). Paying for condoms makes me feel like I’m buying sex, which is laughable because these days, I’d need a good reason to have sex! Plus, every time you try to use one, there’s that awkward moment of figuring out which way it goes—definitely a mood killer.
- Female Condoms: Who even uses these? I had to look it up and found out they’re 95% effective, but the thought of saying, “I use a female condom” sounds mortifying. I could try to make it sound cooler by calling it a Fem-Con, but then I’d have to explain it, and that’s just too embarrassing.
- Diaphragm: Who even uses diaphragms anymore? They feel outdated, and the idea of carrying one around only to have it accidentally drop in front of someone at Target is just too awkward. “Oh, this? It’s not a retainer, it’s a diaphragm.”
- Cervical Cap: I had to Google this one. It’s described as a silicone cup shaped like a sailor’s hat. No thank you! The last thing I want is to feel like I’m hosting a naval event in my body.
- The Sponge: Ugh, just the name makes me feel icky. How is a birth control method named after a cleaning product? Plus, it’s only 80% effective, meaning there’s a 20% chance of pregnancy. That sounds more like playing roulette with my body. I’d rather not deal with a screaming baby if I lose!
This article was originally published on Oct. 22, 2010.
For more information on home insemination and related topics, check out our post on the home insemination kit. For additional insights on pregnancy, Healthline is an excellent resource. And if you want to dive deeper into cervical health, visit this link for expert insights.
In summary, while I may not be thrilled about the options for preventing pregnancy, I find comfort in the fact that my little one is doing a great job of keeping us from having more kids—at least for now.