Updated: Aug. 22, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 30, 2010
“I’ll always be here for you,” I murmured to my son as I laid him down in his crib. “I’m not sure how I’ll make things better, but I will find a way. I promise.” This was the vow I repeated every night since he was born, just as I had for his older sister and to myself for as long as I could remember.
Yet, this promise was shattered by a marriage I felt trapped in, a life I couldn’t escape. I was ensnared by abuse, financial dependency, the absence of a reliable support system, and a legal landscape I didn’t comprehend, all while caring for two children who relied on me.
Many mornings, I would stand before the mirror, confronted by a reflection I barely recognized—a face drained of hope, marked by pain. “Who is that looking back at me? That can’t be me,” I would think, noticing the bruise around my eye. “I had dreams, aspirations, plans for my life and for my children.”
But the mirror told the truth; the person staring back was merely a shadow of who I once was, of who I might have become. “I’ll just leave him,” I would think. “I’ll take the kids and find a shelter; they will protect us.”
But then doubt crept in. “What happens next?” I pondered. “Will my husband’s attorney seek custody of my children? I can’t afford my own lawyer, and I can’t navigate a legal system that often overlooks domestic abuse in custody cases.” Research informed me that approximately 70% of women who experience abuse may lose custody of their children, primarily due to their inability to secure legal representation against their abuser (American Judges Council). I could never abandon my children; as their mother, my duty was to shield them.
Even if I managed to leave with them, I was uncertain where to turn next. The local shelter offered only six weeks of housing, and then what? Remaining tied to my husband’s income meant I wouldn’t qualify for daycare assistance to find a job. If I couldn’t work, how could I support them? I wouldn’t be eligible for food stamps or Medicaid while still married. How could I rent an apartment tied to a mortgage? Years of financial control had depleted my savings and trapped me in debt; I had nothing to fall back on.
What choices did I truly have? Abandon my children or take them with me and risk not being able to provide for them? So, I chose to stay. I pushed aside my own well-being, as many mothers feel compelled to do, and focused on nurturing my children the only way I knew how: by sacrificing myself.
One night, as I stood over my son’s crib, gazing at one of the few remnants of my life, I was lost in despair, unsure how to overcome the ruins that surrounded me. It wasn’t until I met an attorney who understood my plight that things began to change. He reminded me that my future depended on breaking free from my past. “You need to escape this if you ever want to move forward,” he told me. I replied with my stark reality, “I can’t afford to escape this; I can’t afford a future.”
Despite my financial constraints, he fought for me, my children, and our lives. He helped save my family and opened the door to a future I thought was impossible. I rose from the ashes of my former life, and now I often wonder, “What makes me special? What makes me more deserving than all the other women and children still trapped in similar situations?” The truth is, nothing. I was fortunate to have someone see my potential beyond my finances.
Each woman deserves a chance at a life free from abuse. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and with numerous shelters, programs, and services available to aid women in need, we must acknowledge the ongoing struggles they face. Let’s take a moment to think of those fighting not only for their identities as mothers but for their very lives.
Everyone deserves a chance at a brighter future. Sometimes, all it takes is a little support to help them fight for it. If a woman is battling for her life, she should never have to do it alone.
This article was originally published on Sep. 30, 2010.
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Summary
This article recounts the harrowing experience of a mother trapped in an abusive marriage, struggling to protect her children while feeling powerless to escape. It highlights the complex realities faced by many women in similar situations and emphasizes the importance of support systems and legal assistance. October serves as a reminder of the ongoing battle against domestic violence, urging society to acknowledge and assist those fighting for a better future.