Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 13, 2010
I’m not one to dilly-dally when it comes to getting ready to leave the house. Sure, I believe in a quick shower, a bit of makeup, and a hairstyle that doesn’t involve a baseball cap, but I can typically be ready to go in about half an hour. So, when it was time to dress my newborn for brunch, I thought it would be a breeze. After all, he’s a boy! Men seem to pull off getting ready in record time, and my little guy wasn’t even shaving yet, so that should save me a few minutes.
My husband, Mark, our newborn, and I were spending a weekend at a friend’s condo in Palm Beach. It was my first outing since giving birth four weeks prior. Mark had gone fishing early in the morning, and my plan was to meet him at a waterfront restaurant around noon. I figured he had the tougher job of wrestling with tarpon while all I had to do was pop a cute onesie on my little tax deduction and head out the door.
But boy, was I naive. Here’s the reality of dressing a newborn for brunch:
Step One.
Start with a fresh diaper and an adorable onesie paired with pants, then secure him in the car seat. Perfect. He’s all set.
Step Two.
Pack the diaper bag with essentials: diapers, wipes, Balmex, and disposal bags. Toss in two bottles of formula (I tried breastfeeding but let’s not revisit that). Don’t forget five pacifiers—just in case the first four hit the floor. And add three extra outfits, because spit-ups and diaper blowouts are practically guaranteed.
Step Three.
Realize you’re running late. Make a mad dash for the bathroom (because that bladder never fully recovers). Grab your wallet, keys, and sunglasses. Sling the diaper bag over your shoulder, pick up the car seat, and reach for the door handle…
Step Four.
Pause to take your hand off the door handle because the baby is crying. Scratch that—he’s now screaming.
Step Five.
Put everything down. Unbuckle him and discover he needs a diaper change.
Step Six.
Sigh heavily.
Step Seven.
Head back to the guest room. Lay the baby in the center of the bed, ensuring there’s no chance of him rolling off.
Step Eight.
Open the diaper. Duck as he unleashes a stream of urine that could rival any fire hydrant. Attempt to block the spray with your hands—oh, great, that’s only making it worse. Ignore the furious screams as he sprays himself.
Step Nine.
Glance at the clock: you’re really late.
Step Ten.
Grab wipes, more diapers, Balmex, and a fresh outfit from the diaper bag.
Step Eleven.
Strip off the wet onesie, trying not to hurt the little guy in the process. Clean him up and put on a fresh onesie.
Step Twelve.
Squeeze Balmex onto your fingers and attempt to apply it to your squirming baby’s red bottom. Somehow, the Balmex ends up everywhere but where it’s needed.
Step Thirteen.
Toss the second onesie aside in frustration.
Step Fourteen.
Stare at the naked, pee-soaked baby on the bed.
Step Fifteen.
Cry.
Step Sixteen.
Consider that brunch is overrated; why do people even bother leaving the house before dinner?
Step Seventeen.
Fill the bathroom sink with warm water and attempt to wash the little one clean amidst his thrashing protests.
Step Eighteen.
Gently dry him off with a towel, then grab another diaper and the third onesie.
Step Nineteen.
Head back to the guest room, find a dry spot on the bed, and redress him. Secure him back into the car seat.
Step Twenty.
Take stock of the diaper bag’s now depleted contents.
Step Twenty-One.
Repeat your favorite curse words, perhaps from a classic movie.
Step Twenty-Two.
Laugh hysterically, realizing this could be a scene straight out of a Judd Apatow film.
Step Twenty-Three.
Strip the bed and toss the pee-soaked linens into the laundry.
Step Twenty-Four.
Acknowledge that you’ve set a new record for being late to brunch.
Step Twenty-Five.
Gather your diaper bag, keys, sunglasses, and car seat. Make the sign of the cross—yes, even if you’re Jewish. Finally, leave the house.
Step Twenty-Six.
Drive frantically—but safely—to the restaurant. Valet the car, because you deserve it after all this.
Step Twenty-Seven.
Spot the mimosa waiting for you at the table, courtesy of your thoughtful husband. Weep with gratitude and drain the glass in one go.
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In summary, dressing a newborn for brunch is an adventure filled with unexpected challenges and plenty of chaos. From diaper changes to unexpected messes, the journey can feel overwhelming. However, amidst the craziness, there are moments of laughter and gratitude that make it all worthwhile.