Recently, I experienced “the look” once again. It had been some time since I felt that spine-tingling sensation, reminiscent of when our children were young and those looks came frequently and in abundance. If you’re a parent, you undoubtedly know the look I mean. It’s that subtle sideways glance from your kids when they’re engaged in something they take pride in, those priceless peeks to ensure you’re watching from the audience. This is the same look that has led to countless soccer goals being scored while the goalie was scanning the stands for her parents. The look that causes little leaguers to get “doubled off” as they absentmindedly wander away from the base, distracted by whether their parents noticed them getting on base in the first place. It’s the look your kids give after they take a bow at their school play, finish a piano recital, or nail that perfect pirouette. When they offer you the look, it is crucial that you respond with your gaze; missing it could send them into a panic, worried that you overlooked the very reason for their glance. Kids know there are no instant replays.
This past spring, we attended a dear friend’s grandson’s kindergarten “graduation,” and the looks were everywhere. Just like every other cap-and-gown-clad mini-graduate, our friend’s grandson shot glances at his parents while waiting for his diploma, again while receiving it from the teacher (who he forgot to shake hands with because he was too busy giving his parents the look), and once more as he returned to his seat. Although we were there for just one graduate, we could easily identify the proud parents in the audience by following the focused looks of each child crossing the stage.
Our household was deeply immersed in sports, and we anticipated many looks during games or matches. We always sat in the same bleacher spot to reduce distractions. As our kids grew older, they attempted to suppress their looks to appear nonchalant about what their family fans thought, but we still caught them sneaking glances—quick side-eye checks while dribbling down the basketball court or striding across the tennis court after serving an ace. For certain memorable looks, I developed a signature response that our kids came to expect: I would place my right fist over my heart and tap my chest a couple of times. I’m not entirely sure what I was trying to express—perhaps heartfelt pride in their achievements, gratitude for having healthy and happy kids, or relief that we could provide a silver lining during a tough car ride home after a loss. Not every two-point basket or single down the middle warranted a chest tap; those were typically reserved for game-winning three-pointers and walk-off base hits. Sometimes, I even added a flourish by pointing my finger at my young star, signaling that “this tap is for you.”
As our children have grown and moved out, the looks have become rarer. A couple of years ago, when our daughter was about to enter the airport security line for graduate school, she turned back to wave and gave us the look. It brought tears to my eyes, prompting my familiar chest tap. When our eldest son took the oath for the New York State Bar, he too gave us the look, eliciting the same emotional response. At his wedding, however, he didn’t direct a look our way; he reserved it for his new wife, and we forgave him for that.
Earlier this summer, as our youngest son walked in with hundreds of classmates to receive his college diploma, he turned to us and gave us a prolonged look, one that encompassed all the smaller achievements we had missed leading up to this milestone. As our eyes met, he raised his hands in celebration, mouthing “thank you.” I gently tapped my chest and pointed directly at him.
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In summary, “the look” embodies a special connection between parents and children, filled with pride and shared experiences. It serves as a reminder of the importance of being present in our kids’ lives, celebrating each moment together.