As I write this, I’m currently on vacation, trapped in a hotel room when we should be enjoying the thrills of Six Flags, all thanks to the relentless rain. This moment has turned into a time for contemplation, especially as I attempt to keep my energetic children calm and quiet. With my 7-year-old and 5-year-old in tow, I’ve gathered some invaluable insights from this family trip. If you’ve ventured on vacations with kids, you may find yourself nodding along.
- Forget about Six Flags. For kids, the most exciting part of a trip can be sleeping on a pull-out couch or bouncing between hotel beds. The thrill of trying to leap from one bed to another—only to miss and faceplant into a dust-covered comforter—is a badge of honor. Vacation scars? Totally epic.
- The phrase “Don’t jump, run, or stomp around in the hotel room after 10 p.m.!” falls on deaf ears. Apparently, the concept of neighbors needing sleep is lost on them.
- When you ask your kids if they need to use the restroom, both will adamantly say “no.” Just wait five minutes—Child A will suddenly “have to go,” followed closely by Child B, who will then desperately pound on the bathroom door, declaring an emergency. What Child B doesn’t know is that Child A sees the bathroom as an artistic retreat, creating her masterpiece titled “Ode to Unicorns.”
- “We’ve already spent a fortune on these amusement park tickets; we’re not playing overpriced carnival games!” is yet another phrase that will go unheeded.
- Kids can subsist for 24 hours on a diet consisting solely of vats of Sprite, neon-orange cheese crackers, and a couple bites of a giant pretzel.
- “This trip isn’t entirely about you; sometimes Mommy and Daddy want to eat somewhere besides McDonald’s” is another message that seems to fall on deaf ears.
- Expect your children to leave behind a beloved toy somewhere in the hotel room, likely hidden in the bedding or curtains. Be prepared to replace it with a woefully inadequate, overpriced alternative.
- “Don’t stick your fingers in the elevator doors” is another warning they choose to ignore.
- Kids will bicker over who gets to press the hotel room key card, who picks the next amusement park ride, and who sits next to Mom at dinner. They certainly know how to make Dad feel appreciated.
- “Keep your hands out of the hotel fountain!” will also be disregarded.
- Breakfast buffets at hotels seem to bring out the worst in humanity. It’s not a buffet; it’s a battlefield! If you manage to avoid getting clobbered while trying to get some rubbery eggs, you may find yourself wanting to dish out the blows instead.
- “I don’t care who gets to push the elevator buttons!” becomes a recurring battle that will likely lead to a headache.
- If your amusement park trip is rained out, brace yourself for spending more money on video games than you spent on park entry. Afterward, you’ll find yourself watching your kids squabble over which cheap prizes to claim with their game tickets, followed by comforting your child when their prize breaks the moment you step out of the arcade. You’ll lament how many nice, non-buffet breakfasts you could have bought instead.
- Did I mention that kids are deaf?
- If your hotel offers a free happy hour, throw all sense of dignity out the window. You’ll find yourself sipping on lukewarm beer and horrid mixed drinks, just to escape the chaos. Pair this with stale chips and burnt popcorn for the ultimate stress relief.
Yet, one day during our vacation, we stumbled into a semi-nice restaurant (where “semi-nice” means dim lighting and seared tuna). To my surprise, my children behaved impeccably; they entertained themselves with the kids’ menu and devoured their meals, declaring everything delicious. No kicking, no crayons dropped, and certainly no cries for ice cream. In that moment, the vacation began to feel worthwhile. Until, of course, we returned to the elevator, where the button-pushing drama resumed.
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Summary
Family vacations with kids often come with chaos, unexpected lessons, and moments of joy amidst the madness. From the thrill of hotel beds to the challenge of keeping everyone fed and entertained, these experiences create lasting memories. Despite the ups and downs, there are always moments that remind us why we take these trips in the first place.