Remember the days of childhood when something unfortunate happened to one of our parents’ acquaintances? I always noticed my mother springing into action, often preparing an extra casserole in one of those snap-top dishes. Whether it was an illness, a death, or another tragedy, I would sit in the car while she dashed inside to deliver her meal, not always knowing the specifics but sensing the urgency.
Now, as adults, it’s our friends who face dire situations—serious illnesses, the loss of a child, or other heart-wrenching events that leave us breathless. How did our mothers instinctively know what to do in these moments?
When I faced my own battle with breast cancer at 40, it felt like my life was turned upside down. I had just begun to navigate the realities of middle age when I discovered a malignant lump in my left breast. In an instant, I transformed from a regular woman to the youngest patient in the oncology clinic. “Oh, you’re so young to be here!” the nurses would exclaim as I started chemotherapy. Their words only fueled my frustration.
Adding to this was my well-meaning neighbor, who bombarded me with alternative treatment advice. “You really should try Qigong once a week,” she insisted, “and don’t forget to incorporate Changquan!” Unable to bear her constant “shoulds,” I eventually stopped answering her calls. An AA friend later told me that such language often carries guilt. “Forget ‘should,’” she declared. That became my mantra.
Now, another friend, miles away, is confronting a similar challenge with her health. As I reflect on my experiences—what was helpful, what fell flat, and what made me want to scream at the clueless or the overzealous—it’s clear that these insights may help you as well.
1. Don’t Treat Her as if She’s Dying.
Your friend is not on the brink of death. During my ordeal, both my business partner and sister-in-law advised me to take it easy, journal my gratitude, or savor sunsets. I pushed back, saying, “I’m not dead yet!” Eventually, I distanced myself from their well-meaning but suffocating advice until I emerged with a new outlook and my hair back.
2. Send Cards and Notes.
Real mail—handwritten and stamped—is a rarity and a delightful surprise. Opt for cards that are light-hearted or heartfelt, steering clear of anything somber or from the sympathy section. If you choose to send a card, don’t just sign your name. Share your thoughts, express your love, and affirm that cancer is awful. Avoid any platitudes about divine plans; she probably isn’t feeling comforted by that right now. Check out these cards crafted by a cancer survivor—they truly resonate.
3. Don’t Ask What You Can Do to Help.
Let’s be honest—she may not have the energy to know what she needs. Instead, take the initiative. Offer to drop her kids off at school or extracurriculars, or bring over a meal. Consider using a disposable dish so she doesn’t feel the pressure of returning it. You could even organize a group of friends to hire a cleaning service. When I was ill, a group I barely knew prepared meals for me four nights a week for six months. Their kindness still brings tears to my eyes.
4. Send Care Packages.
Care packages can be a delightful pick-me-up. Think fuzzy socks, gossip magazines, a fun journal, or even a whoopee cushion to share a laugh with nurses during treatment. When I was going through my illness, a construction worker I knew gifted me a beautiful wide-brimmed hat after my hair fell out; it was a simple yet profound gesture that meant the world to me.
5. Don’t Vanish.
It doesn’t matter if you’re unsure of what to do. Just be there. Whether it’s a phone call or a visit, your presence matters. One acquaintance knew my chemotherapy schedule and would call to cheer me up with her humor. “Another date with Kimo? He’s so mean to you!” she’d jest, and it always made me laugh.
Cancer is a brutal journey, but as women, we can find strength when we stand together. If you know someone facing this tough battle, perhaps these tips will guide you.
As for me, I’m off to find a coconut bra and hula skirt for my friend on the East Coast; she’ll surely bring some joy to her chemo sessions, and those nurses will have a good laugh. After all, we’re all too young to be in that chair.
In summary, supporting a friend with cancer means being proactive, sending thoughtful messages, and providing tangible help. Showing up and making her smile can create a world of difference during a challenging time.