Nearly a decade ago, I made the leap from bustling city life to the quieter suburbs. Over the years, I’ve gathered some crucial insights to help maintain sanity while navigating motherhood in this environment. If my suburb had a guideline, it would look something like this. Use it as a mini-survival guide. Good luck, and as the wise officer on Hill Street Blues would say, “Let’s be careful out there.”
- Every child must be enrolled in a multitude of sports and activities, ensuring that Saturday family outings are a thing of the past until they’re too old to want to spend time with you.
- Don’t panic if you accidentally try to enter the wrong minivan or SUV; this is a common occurrence. To minimize confusion, consider adorning your back windshield with fun stickers showcasing each child’s favorite pastime.
- Your home can only be painted in one of 477 shades of beige. Attempting to choose any other color will be met with disapproval!
- Should your child fall ill with strep throat or hand-foot-and-mouth disease, prepare for the entire neighborhood to know before you even fill the prescription. This rapid flow of information also applies to local gossip!
- As a suburban mom, it’s practically mandatory to start a craft business. Your options include: hair accessories, jewelry, or personalized card stock crafts—anything else requires a nod from the Chamber of Commerce.
- If you’re employed, you are expected to purchase these crafted items in bulk at local holiday boutiques, which celebrate everything from Thanksgiving to Arbor Day. Missing these events is frowned upon, just like skipping PTA meetings.
- If you find yourself without a grocery store or Starbucks within a mile, you’ve entered a lesser neighborhood! Remain calm and find your way back to familiar territory.
- Joining a gym is obligatory. You’ll be expected to engage in spin classes under neon lights, master the reformer, and embrace the art of Zumba.
- Be ready to pressure wash everything and anything, from your driveway to your furry friend. It’s just part of suburban life.
- Ensure your dog is adorable, as neighbors will frequently stop to pet it. However, be warned: these same neighbors will report you to the HOA if your pup barks after 9 PM. (And for the love of all things suburban, don’t name your dog Rufus.)
- Make a trip to lululemon, Athletica, or even Target to acquire trendy athletic wear. You’re expected to sport this gear at least 50-100% of the time; in winter, pair it with Uggs for the ultimate cozy look.
- Prepare for an overwhelming number of birthday lunches and dinners for women celebrating milestones between 30 and 50. Arrive early; your seating arrangement can significantly impact your experience.
- Consider reducing your intimate life, as you’ll inevitably find yourself in conversations about infrequent and less-than-satisfying experiences during social gatherings.
- And let’s be clear: oral favors are only expected on birthdays and anniversaries— it’s one of the perks of suburban living.
- Living in the suburbs is reminiscent of flipping through Us Weekly: everything is sensationalized. Engaging in conversations about who wore it best is entertaining, but scrutinizing the appearance of younger moms brings its own kind of joy. Remember, gossip is treated as fact!
I hope these tips help you navigate the suburban lifestyle you’ve chosen. Perhaps I’ll see you at the next boutique sale—I’ll be the one selling picture frames adorned with random trinkets!
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Summary
Transitioning to suburban life as a mom comes with its own set of expectations and norms. From mandatory sports enrollment to crafting businesses, navigating birthday parties, and mastering the art of local gossip, these tips can guide you through the unique challenges of suburban motherhood.