As the parent of two nearly 15-year-olds, I often reflect on the adage, “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.” Back in the day, I thought it was absurd. I envisioned a future where I could dash to the store without lugging carseats and where my children could feed themselves, allowing me to enjoy a peaceful dinner. I imagined light-hearted banter among them and their friends in my tidy kitchen after school, picturing them as responsible young adults who would always make wise decisions.
I was mistaken. The reality of parenting teenagers is far from simple. It forces you to reevaluate everything you believed about child-rearing and to ponder where you might have gone astray in their upbringing. You may find yourself questioning your choices and wondering why you decided to embark on this journey in the first place.
You’ll also spend a lot of time pondering how a once-adorable boy can develop such a foul odor or how a daughter who once adored you can glare at you with the same disdain you reserve for women with flawless shoes.
There are no definitive rules when it comes to raising teenagers. Each one is unique, grappling with their identity and their place in the world. Your role as a parent is to be present when they need you—on their terms.
My Uncle Mark, who raised seven sons, once advised me that constant presence is key. If you are around often enough, they will come to you when they are ready to open up; otherwise, they might confide in their peers who, let’s face it, can be pretty misguided.
Seriously, every single one of their friends has a few questionable moments. I cherish my children’s friends—welcoming them into our home—yet I often find myself shaking my head at their antics.
When raising teenagers, the hardest yet most crucial task is to learn to let go. If they want to head to the movies with friends, you have to allow it. If they wish to walk to the soccer field or, even more daunting, ride in a car driven by another teen, you must step back.
They may act foolishly in public, use language that shocks you, or drive recklessly without buckling up. But then again, they might not. All you can do is hope. Hope that you’ve instilled enough love and wisdom for them to stand strong against peer pressure and make good choices.
You won’t always feel assured that you’ve succeeded. Like many parents, you might find yourself spending countless hours worrying, crying, and consulting parenting blogs and books, seeking reassurance that you’re on the right track.
Then one day, your son surprises you by asking to attend church with you, clad in clothes you would have chosen—although you didn’t. You might notice he’s wearing his pants a bit low, yet that moment of pride overshadows it. He even suggests lighting a candle for your ailing pet. You’ll see the positive reactions from adults at the church who appreciate your children’s presence.
You’ll come to recognize that your kids possess good manners. Despite their frequent eye rolls and dismissive attitudes, they do know how to behave appropriately outside your home.
Try not to let the tears flow; it might just mortify them.
This post was originally published on February 11, 2010.
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Summary
Raising teenagers presents unique challenges that often require parents to rethink their approaches to parenting. The importance of being present, trusting in the values instilled, and the necessity of letting go are central themes in navigating this stage of life.