Before you start rummaging through your yard or checking behind your refrigerator for a baby you might not even have, I’ve crafted a simple quiz to help you figure out if you are indeed the parent of an infant.
1. Examine Your Outfit
A) My shirt is spotless, stylish, and freshly pressed. I just put it on this morning.
B) It’s a bit wrinkled and could use a wash, but it doesn’t smell too bad and is relatively free of stains. It may have a few holes.
C) There are at least five stains, mostly around the shoulders; no more than two of them came from food I actually ate. I can’t remember when I wore it last, but I’ve definitely slept in it for at least two nights.
Results:
A: You are not a parent – you sound well put-together and I envy you.
B: You’re not a parent either – it seems you might just be a bit disorganized.
C: Congratulations! You have a baby.
2. Dinner Time Routine
A) I jump in the car – there’s a new sushi restaurant half an hour away!
B) I head to my pristine gourmet kitchen to prepare a healthy, delicious meal for my family. We enjoy it together at the dining room table, away from the distractions of the TV.
C) I go to the kitchen, realize I forgot to thaw any meat, and with only side dish options available, I munch on crackers while brainstorming dinner ideas. By 10 PM, I’m snacking on leftovers from other people’s plates while washing dishes. I can’t recall the last time I sat down for a meal.
Results:
A: You likely don’t have a baby, unless you’re one of those parents who takes their baby to restaurants and doesn’t notice the chaos.
B: Sorry to say, but you’re fictional.
C: Congrats, you have a baby! Or perhaps an eating disorder; it’s often hard to tell.
3. Home Decor Color Scheme
A) Minimalist and modern – I prefer everything to match with tasteful textures and subtle color accents.
B) Cozy and traditional – I favor rich colors, quality fabrics, and warm wood tones.
C) A hodgepodge – my decor is a mix of decent grown-up furniture and cheap college throwbacks, topped with a chaotic layer of colorful objects that look like a craft store exploded.
Results:
A: You don’t have a baby; parents only see color pops from the ketchup stains on their walls.
B: You don’t have a baby, since parents can’t afford “expensive” items until their kids are out of school.
C: You definitely have a baby. A childless adult would never have items on display that scream “toddler chaos.”
4. Recent Ridiculous Statement
A) “I believe a two-party political system is the best option available for our government. Everything in Washington is just wonderful!”
B) “I bet I can spit on the cat from here.”
C) “What’s wrong with my doodle? Does my little boodle bug have some poopity pants?”
Results:
A: No way you’re a parent. Parents rarely have time for political discourse; they’re too busy managing the chaos of kid life.
B: I pray you don’t have a baby. (Note to B’s baby: If you’re reading this, call for help.)
C: Congratulations! You have a baby, or you might have just had a stroke. Either way, your speech sounds like mine when I’m talking to my baby.
5. Best Time for “You”
A) I wake up early to meditate and do yoga before anyone else stirs.
B) I enjoy my time driving – it’s when I can think or jam out to music!
C) I lock the bathroom door for a peaceful bubble bath.
Results:
Ha! This is a trick question; none of these people have a baby. Once you have kids, “you” time is a luxury of the past – kids wake up at the crack of dawn, the car ride is too loud, and infants can somehow always unlock the bathroom door.
I hope this quiz has been illuminating, and if you’ve determined you do, in fact, have a baby, I hope they turn up soon before you need to call for help!
For more information on home insemination, check out this cryobaby at home insemination kit. You might also find useful insights on comfort food and resources from the CDC on pregnancy.
Summary:
This lighthearted quiz provides a fun way to determine if you are a parent to an infant, with humorous and relatable scenarios about daily life, home decor, and even the absurd things parents say. If you find yourself identifying with the chaos described, welcome to the world of parenting!