I’ve never been inclined to adopt the “crying it out” method when it comes to parenting. It’s simply not in alignment with my approach or personality. While I have acquaintances who firmly believe in this method and swear by its effectiveness, for my family, it isn’t a viable option.
So, What Does One Do Instead?
The media doesn’t often portray alternatives to crying it out. I recall watching the sitcom Mad About You during my college days, where Paul and Jamie sat outside their baby’s room, listening to her cry. Jamie was torn, wanting to comfort her child while Paul held her back. At 22, I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just go in. What could possibly be the harm in providing comfort?
Fast forward to my own parenting journey, and I’ve realized that sleep looks quite different in our household. My kids typically don’t sleep through the night until they reach about 2 years old. Some nights, we may have one or all four of them in bed with us, leading to sleepless nights. On better nights, everyone except the baby manages to sleep peacefully in their own beds.
Initially, my babies stay with me until they are between 15-18 months. At that point, they begin the process of night-weaning and transition to a room with a sibling. This is how it generally unfolds: I nurse the baby or toddler, and then my partner takes over, sitting by their side until they drift off to sleep. This can take hours at first, but gradually, he works his way out of the room, eventually just needing to pop in for a quick song and kiss before leaving. This gentle approach can span up to two months, but it’s effective for us. Until then, we nurse them to sleep and throughout the night.
Why I Choose Not to Cry It Out
People often ask me why I choose not to employ the crying it out method. Simply put, I believe it can be detrimental to a child’s emotional wellbeing. During the first two years of life, children learn vital lessons about trust. If we isolate them in a room and leave them to “self-soothe,” what message does that convey? How would we feel if we were left alone despite our distress?
While pregnant with my second child, I came across an enlightening article, “Crying for Comfort” by Althea Soltera in Mothering Magazine. She pointed out that a lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries, even for short periods, can harm their mental health. Babies left to cry may struggle to develop trust, self-awareness, and could face issues like low self-esteem and anxiety later in life. This approach fundamentally undermines secure attachment, which thrives on prompt and sensitive responses during early life.
Furthermore, it’s natural for mothers to feel distressed when their babies cry; it goes against our instinctual drive to protect our young. I also maintain that parenting is a constant commitment, not limited to daylight hours. Nighttime parenting is just as crucial.
Addressing Common Misconceptions
Some argue that if mothers don’t get enough sleep, everyone suffers. While there is some truth to that, parenting is about being present for my children. I know there will come a time when I can enjoy uninterrupted sleep, but that time isn’t now. I accepted this reality when I embarked on the journey of parenting years ago.
I won’t pretend it’s easy. There have been moments when I’ve considered “Ferberizing” my children or letting them cry themselves to sleep. Sometimes, exhaustion tempts me to wish for one of those mythical babies who sleep through the night at six months old. But I recognize that such methods come with consequences I’m not willing to face.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I choose not to let my little ones cry it out unnecessarily. The bags under my eyes may be a testament to my decision, but I believe that the long-term benefits will outweigh the short-term sacrifices.
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Summary
The author discusses their choice to avoid the “crying it out” method for parenting, emphasizing the importance of responsiveness to a child’s cries during their first years. They share their personal experiences with night-time parenting, highlighting the challenges and rewards of a gentle approach to sleep, while also addressing common misconceptions about the necessity of sleep for parents.