No parent wants to hear those dreaded words from a teacher: “Can we chat for a moment… in private?” As my daughter plays in the supervised playroom, I reluctantly follow her preschool teacher outside. Other parents stroll by with their cheerful toddlers, while I lean against the wall, wedged awkwardly between a gardening cart and a squeaky tricycle.
“There was an incident involving biting today,” the teacher informs me, her sympathetic expression confirming my worst fear—my child was the one who bit. I stand there, feeling foolish and unsure of what to say. My youngest child has become the first in our family to exhibit such behavior. It takes me a moment to realize that my feelings go beyond mere embarrassment; I’m overwhelmed by a wave of shame.
How did I end up as the parent of a biter? What did I do wrong?
In parenting, there are moments when you feel like you’ve been doing everything right until suddenly, your child’s unthinkable actions make you question your abilities. Biting, especially during the preschool years, ranks high on the list of “unthinkable” behaviors.
Despite my daughter’s loving nature, her understanding of manners, and her good sharing habits, she is now labeled simply as The Biter—and I’m stuck with the title of The Biter’s Mom.
When your child bites, it’s hard not to see it as a personal failure. We often take our children’s actions as reflections of our parenting. One misstep—a forgotten “thank you,” an unkind remark, or the biting incident itself—leads us to self-doubt. My daughters have certainly acted out in ways I’ve taught them not to.
As a veteran mom, I know that when kids misbehave, it usually signals difficulty in regulating their emotions or testing boundaries. They are often overwhelmed and frustrated, which can lead to outbursts like biting. Rationally, I understand that biting stems from toddler frustration. After all, they are tiny humans grappling with language development, social skills, and a myriad of other challenges. Some days, the struggle is simply too much, and they resort to primal instincts.
According to the American Psychological Association, biting is typical behavior for children aged three and under. That fact doesn’t alleviate my discomfort, nor does it help the parent of the child my daughter bit.
The rational explanations we cling to don’t align with the social expectations we have for ourselves and our kids. We aim for perfection, and when our children falter, it feels like a monumental failure. When my daughter misbehaves, I’ve found that most parents experiencing similar struggles understand, but biting sets itself apart. We expect our little ones to behave like civilized beings rather than wild creatures.
Finally, I compose myself and manage to apologize to the teacher. I assure her that we emphasize communication with our kids. I want her to know that my vibrant, sociable two-year-old isn’t inherently malicious. I cautiously ask how the situation unfolded. Was my daughter provoked? I want to defend both my daughter and myself.
The teacher explains that while lining up, another child accidentally pushed my daughter, causing her to stumble. Frustrated by the entire ordeal, she resorted to biting to express herself. Though I appreciate the context, it does little to alleviate my feelings of shame.
As I return to the classroom to gather my daughter, I find her engrossed in building a tower of blocks, cheering with each piece she adds. “Mama!” she exclaims, running to me and burying her face in my leg. “I was sad today.”
“I know, sweetheart,” I respond, gently stroking her hair. I feel guilt over her actions, but I refuse to let my shame transfer to her. She is simply a two-year-old finding her way. My role is to guide her with compassion and help her learn from this experience.
Now, I must prepare to reach out to the other child’s mother. A little understanding from another parent can ease our burdens and remind us that we are all navigating this journey together.
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Summary:
The article discusses the emotional turmoil parents face when their child exhibits undesirable behavior, specifically biting. It explores feelings of shame and self-doubt that arise from such incidents, while also highlighting that biting is a common behavior among toddlers as they navigate their emotions. The narrative emphasizes the importance of understanding and guiding children through their developmental challenges, while also seeking support from other parents.