Updated: March 30, 2021
A few weeks ago, I received a message from a woman I only know through social media. The subject caught my attention: “I think I’m a bad mom.” I felt a wave of concern as I read her words.
She expressed feelings like these: I adore my children, but there are moments I don’t enjoy being around them. I feel trapped in a cycle of misery. My partner and I hardly connect anymore. I strive to instill good values in my children, and while they generally behave well in public, at home, it’s chaos. They lack manners and often tell me, “You’re the worst mom ever.” I’ve tried every form of reward and punishment, yet nothing seems effective. I feel like a failure, convinced my kids deserve someone better, and I fear I’ve ruined their lives.
Wow. Is that all? If those feelings define an unfit mother, then we’re all unfit! Every single one of us!
I am certain I’m not the only mother who has exclaimed, “You wouldn’t act like this at school! I’m your mom! I care for you! You can’t speak to me like that! You know better!” During my teaching years, I often met parents who, after hearing praise for their children, would respond with, “You should see them at home!” or “Are we talking about the same kid?”
Ultimately, we all desire the same outcomes for our kids: we want them to be kind, responsible, and compassionate individuals. We hope they grow into respectful members of society. When they embody these traits, parenting becomes more enjoyable, and we feel a sense of accomplishment in our roles.
As parents, our greatest creation is our children. You nurtured that life within you, and when they arrive, they’re perfect—innocent and full of potential. However, the real challenge begins once they are born. The work of parenting isn’t just about bringing them into the world; it’s about shaping them. This process can be exhausting and complex. Even when you believe you’re guiding them correctly, there will be times when it feels like you’re not, and the longer you go without clarity, the harder it becomes to adjust course.
I frequently share photos of my children engaging in positive activities on social media. I post images of them cooking, reading, and cooperating. Why? Because witnessing them succeed in areas we’ve worked on together fills me with pride, not just for them but for myself as well. It’s akin to a child proudly presenting a drawing, thrilled at their own creation. “Mommy! Look at my picture! Isn’t it amazing?!”
When you put effort into something and see it turn out well, it’s only natural to want to share it, especially since those successes might only reflect a fraction of your reality. The other 90 percent of the time isn’t perfect for anyone. For many of us, half the time is not just imperfect—it can be downright frustrating. You might find yourself in a situation where your children are pushing every button you have for the umpteenth time that day.
That’s when exhaustion sets in. You know there are things you should be addressing, like limiting screen time or ensuring they eat nutritious meals. You might even overlook basic routines like brushing teeth or bathing them before bed because you’re simply too tired. It’s important to remember that others don’t often share those less glamorous moments online, but trust me, they happen.
Recently, while on vacation, chaos erupted as we attempted to leave our condo for a day at the beach. Each child experienced a meltdown: one had sunscreen in her eyes, another misplaced his basketball, one child didn’t want to go at all, and two got into a physical altercation. It was absolute pandemonium, with all the kids either screaming or crying. I’m sure neighbors considered calling authorities. It was not a moment for Instagram. But it was real life.
My kids understand right from wrong. They know that fighting is unacceptable and what is expected of them. There are moments when they meet those expectations, and during those times, I feel confident in my parenting. However, in chaotic moments like that vacation debacle, I question my capabilities, and those moments seem to happen more often than I wish.
Sometimes, regardless of your efforts, your children will act out. Testing boundaries is simply part of their nature. In those times, it’s essential to endure the storm and provide structure until things settle down. Reflection and planning will come when you have the energy again, whether that’s in a few days or even longer. Until then, remember, your children are not irreparably harmed by these experiences, and you are not an unfit mother.
The goal of parenting isn’t to achieve perfection or create social media-worthy moments. Sometimes, the primary aim is simply to keep everyone safe and sound. And that, in itself, does not make you an unfit mom—it makes you a perfectly normal one.
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Summary
The struggles of motherhood are universal, and feeling inadequate at times does not define you as an unfit mom. Parenting is a challenging journey filled with ups and downs, and it is essential to remember that the goal is not perfection, but simply to nurture and protect your children.