I have a close friend from high school who is the mother of four daughters. She’s the quintessential tough cookie: a triple varsity athlete in college who wouldn’t back down even when injured, a dedicated student who gained admission to an Ivy League law school, and a relentless professional in a prestigious firm. She believes in confronting pain head-on. During playdates at our local park, I’ve witnessed her daughters endure some truly painful scrapes—injuries that would make me rush to check for concussions. Yet, with arms crossed like a lacrosse coach in a brisk New England wind, she simply instructs, “You’re fine. Shake it off.” Her girls get back up, occasionally bleeding, and dive back into the action.
On the other hand, I tend to be quite the softy. My two sons are frequent criers. They weep for reasons that range from the usual—like bumps and scrapes—to the utterly trivial, like a bit of sand on their hands while playing in the sandbox. I feel like I’m constantly drying tears. I try to distinguish between “valid” reasons for crying (like genuine injuries) and “invalid” ones (like the fact that there’s too much avocado on their plates). I’m okay with my son seeking comfort after a fall on the playground, but not with tears because his sweater is twisted.
By most standards, my friend’s daughters appear “tougher” than my sons. They rarely cry. When it was time for preschool drop-off, while other parents stayed back for reassurance, my friend simply removed her daughter’s coat, kissed her goodbye, and left. The little girl immediately started playing without shedding a tear, while many other kids took days or even weeks to adapt.
The Tightrope of Parenting
The question of “to coddle or not to coddle” is a tightrope walk that all parents must navigate. A recent article in The New York Times titled “Dear Parent, If Your Child Left It At Home, Don’t Bring It In” discusses how schools increasingly urge parents not to “rescue” children who forget their homework or essential items. The philosophy here is that if a child forgets their homework, they should face the consequences and learn for next time. In the story, this approach motivated one child to create a checklist for morning preparations—a positive outcome.
However, this perspective overlooks the reality that some children require more support than others. Our society often emphasizes independence from a very young age. It’s telling that media discussions surrounding helicopter parenting dominate, overshadowing the stories of families who genuinely need additional assistance.
I align more closely with the concept of “interdependence,” as Catherine Newman articulates. She reflects, “I remember spilling flour on the floor, and my son rushing in with a broom, his cheerful demeanor shining through. I shudder to think he might have said, ‘Maybe next time you’ll be more careful.’”
Without a doubt, part of our role as parents is to encourage self-sufficiency, from remembering homework to managing their schedules. But could there be gentler methods for fostering these skills over time? Rather than denying comfort to a child who has been hurt or failing to assist an overwhelmed child who forgets a project, I worry that such an approach might dull their empathy toward others in need. After all, if someone is struggling, it’s easy to think, “If they were more organized, they wouldn’t need help.”
My friend and I attended a high-pressure high school and similarly competitive colleges. For me, graduating from that environment was liberating, allowing me to reshape my life more leisurely. Conversely, my friend has embraced the relentless “no pain, no gain” mentality in her adult life, and she clearly intends to pass those values to her daughters. My sons, however, will likely experience a more nurturing approach. There are numerous paths to success and happiness, and I want my boys to learn the value of comfort and support. I don’t want them to overlook their own or others’ pain; I don’t want them to simply shake it off.
This article was originally published on Oct. 19, 2005.
Further Reading
For more engaging stories, check out our other blog posts about parenting and home insemination, including this one. If you’re interested in recipes for cozy family gatherings, this resource is an excellent reference. For additional information on pregnancy and home insemination, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development provides valuable insights here.
Summary
Navigating the balance between coddling and fostering independence in children is a challenge for many parents. While some opt for a tough-love approach, others believe in the importance of comfort and support. Each parenting style offers unique lessons, ultimately shaping how children understand resilience and empathy.