Sleep Sound Settings: A Parental Perspective
During a recent visit to my parents’ home, I discovered that my father had taken up residence in my sister’s former bedroom. Given our family’s penchant for privacy and clear boundaries, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “OH WOW, MOM—DAD IS FINALLY MOVING ON…AFTER 51 YEARS! WHO IS SHE?!”
“He’s been banished from our room,” my mother replied flatly. “Your father now has a fondness for the ‘Thunderstorm’ setting.”
No further explanation was needed; I instantly grasped the situation. “Thunderstorm” is not the latest dancer at the local club; it’s a sound option. My entire family is hooked on sleep sound machines. Back in the ’70s, we relied on air conditioning units to lull us to sleep, but now we’ve upgraded to products from Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics. Each of us has one in our bedrooms. While the brands differ, we’re staunch advocates of “white noise.” That’s our rule. No exceptions. Even our infants were conditioned to sleep with the constant hum of an air purifier.
At this stage in life, my father is too mature for a midlife crisis, so his sudden preference for “Thunderstorm” felt like a betrayal of our auditory heritage.
“Thunderstorm!” my mother reiterated. “Can you even imagine? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Apologies to Eddie Rabbit, but it seems Mom is not a fan of rainy nights. Though I suspected their marriage would endure, I began to wonder if we were being too harsh on Dad. Were we overly judgmental? Too rigid in our preferences? Was our love for white noise misguided? Could it be that our traditional sleep sounds were, in fact, discriminatory? Is plain white noise really the ultimate solution for a restful night?
In the spirit of fairness and experimentation, I decided to test out various non-white noise settings on my sleep machine over a few nights. Here’s what I discovered:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I had to begin with this. Yes, it was loud—too loud. With a strobe light, my room could have resembled the ill-fated Andrea Gail. Sorry, Dad, but that’s a no-go.
TRAIN
This setting actually exists, and I expected to hear “Drops of Jupiter” on repeat. Instead, it was just the sounds of trains. Who enjoys this? All night, I envisioned myself riding the rails with drifters and carnies intent on stealing my backpack. I slept with one eye open, clutching a harmonica.
OCEAN WAVES
Initially calming, but soon I found myself craving shrimp, which led me to Google the nearest Red Lobster. Did I just hear a seagull? Those creatures will fight you for a Cheddar Bay biscuit, and can you blame them? (The biscuits, not the seagulls.)
STREAM
Do people who select this setting use rubber sheets? I woke up four times to visit the restroom.
CITY
Similar to the “Train” setting, this one left me bewildered. After a day of battling traffic in Houston, it’s hardly soothing to have the sounds of city life filtering into your bedroom.
SUMMER NIGHT
Two thoughts struck me: either a swarm of giant locusts was headed for my bed, or John Travolta in a leather jacket was about to make an appearance.
HEARTBEAT
I’ve read too much Edgar Allan Poe to find this remotely relaxing.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
Calming—if you can overlook the occasional howler monkey and the nagging feeling that a panther might leap out at any moment.
RAINFOREST
Similar to “Jungle,” but with added humidity and visions of giant spiders. Also, the thought of paying $9 for five chicken nuggets at Rainforest Cafe haunted me.
FIREPLACE
Can’t you just picture the shag rug and the warm breath of Barry White? Don’t resist it, baby… oh yes. But seriously, when was the last time you checked the batteries in your smoke alarm? Goodnight!
ZEN GARDEN
This one made me anticipate a masseuse entering the room at any moment. I also tensed up, fearing I might accidentally fart during a massage.
Well, I gave it my all. I’m exhausted. Ultimately, I concluded that I am, indeed, a white noise enthusiast, and I’m perfectly fine with that. I’ll strive to refrain from judging you or my dad for your unusual sleep preferences. As for my parents, I hope they can navigate the Thunderstorm and discover some common sound territory.
Thank you, and sleep well.
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