As I sort through an old gym bag tucked away in my closet, filled with dusty weightlifting gloves, a tangled jump rope, knee socks, and a once-beloved notebook, I find myself reflecting on what these items used to mean to me. Seven months ago, before I paused my workouts, I would have easily said they brought me joy. Now, at 31 weeks pregnant, the emotions tied to these remnants of my past are far more complex.
After seven years navigating infertility, IVF treatments, and enduring two miscarriages, I find it challenging to articulate my feelings when asked, “How are you feeling?” This question comes from nearly everyone I meet, regardless of their knowledge of my journey.
To be honest, I’m struggling—not from physical discomfort like sciatica or swelling, but from a deeper emotional battle. The pure joy that I once associated with pregnancy has been overshadowed by disappointment, loss, and grief. While I do have moments of happiness, such as feeling my baby move and watching it grow from a small flicker into a recognizable form, there is always a lingering caution. The reassurance from ultrasounds and positive test results feels tempered by a constant awareness that we are never fully out of the woods.
Much of this apprehension stems from my own anxiety. My doctors may not have advised a long wait to share the news of my pregnancy, but I held onto the flawed belief that delaying the announcement would somehow shield me from potential heartbreak if this pregnancy ended similarly to the previous ones. My reproductive endocrinologist assured me I could travel, offering me the guidance I needed, but I still grappled with the emotional weight of my journey.
The process of evolving my expectations around pregnancy has been a significant learning experience. If you’re exploring options for home insemination, I recommend checking out Make a Mom’s at-home insemination products. They provide valuable resources for those on similar paths. For additional insights, the information at Intracervical Insemination can be quite helpful, and for a comprehensive understanding of IVF, this resource on genetics and IVF is excellent.
In summary, my journey with IVF and the challenges of pregnancy have reshaped my understanding of joy and expectation. While I grapple with the remnants of my exercise routine and what it once represented, I am also learning to embrace the unpredictability of this path.