This tale revolves around the everyday trials of domesticity, or how I nearly met my end beneath a mountain of water bottles. On a sunny afternoon, while daydreaming about how I could resemble a glamorous celebrity if only I hydrated more as the beauty influencers advise, I reached for a S’well bottle perched precariously on the top shelf of an overstuffed cabinet. The moment I opened the door, a cascade of water bottles tumbled down, striking me in a series of cartoonish thuds reminiscent of a hapless character in a Saturday morning show, dazed with stars swirling around their head.
My husband had accumulated dozens of bottles throughout our years together—plastic, metal, and even one unfortunate glass relic from our college days when we filled them with vodka for concerts. The water bottle avalanche was painful, and I yelped, “There’s too much stuff in this house!”
My husband rushed to my side, alarmed. “Are you alright?”
“Do I look alright? I’m concussed! You need to get your things organized.”
“Fine,” he replied.
“No, I mean right now. Or I’m buying a new house.”
Thanks to expedited shipping and a mutual dread of navigating this crazy housing market, my husband bought organizers for the water bottles that could neatly hold up to 12 in tidy rows, bringing me a sense of relief (though not for the bump I was still nursing). He cleared out the excess, including those relics from our post-college escapades.
When he revealed the beautifully organized water bottle cabinet, I almost burst into tears. I felt an overwhelming urge to flirt with him right there on the kitchen floor, whispering, “You’ve been watching organizational shows, haven’t you?” Afterward, we’d drink water like civilized individuals. This, after all, embodies the essence of “through thick and thin,” right? Or perhaps we ought to revise that vow to read: “through petty household squabbles and everything else.”
Marriage isn’t always glamorous. In fact, it rarely is, and anyone suggesting otherwise is likely a celebrity or someone who married the first guy flaunting a prestigious degree. It’s in these unglamorous moments that you rely on comfort, familiarity — love, even. As the lesser-known verse from 1 Corinthians states: Love endures.
Or more realistically, strong marriages hinge on one thing: a credit card that can purchase random items to force two people into domestic bliss.
Here is a list of products that have contributed to the stability of my marriage:
Item #1: Sleep Apnea Machine
Sleeping next to someone who snores like a lumberjack can make you feel murderous. The solution? A gurgling machine that looks like it belongs in a sci-fi film. Sure, you’ll be purchasing distilled water and he might suffer the occasional nosebleed, but the sleep you gain is worth it.
Item #2: Kindle for Spicy Romance Novels
If you’re in the mood for some romance, a Kindle lets you enjoy seductive stories without anyone knowing. It’s the perfect way to ignite a spark after a long day. Pro tip: Kindle Unlimited is where the juicy stuff can be found.
Item #3: Back Scratcher
Promises made in love often include unlimited back scratches. Avoid disappointment by getting your own back scratcher. They can be hidden away when you’re done, unlike a partner.
Item #4: Poo-Pourri
This is self-explanatory. If it isn’t clear to you, then you might be living with someone from another planet.
Item #5: Big-Screen TV for the Basement
No judgment here; you can claim it’s for “family movie night.” Pick the largest screen available and set it up in the basement for some well-deserved peace and quiet.
Item #6: Nespresso Machine
Late nights with kids call for serious caffeine. Ditch the complicated coffee-making methods for an easy machine that takes care of everything. Just remember to refill the water to avoid chaos.
If you’re interested in more marriage tips, check out my upcoming seminar on how to invest in a happy marriage, where I might even sell you a timeshare in exchange for some dry pastries and deeply personal anecdotes about my life.
For further reading, this post on home insemination might pique your interest, and for expert advice, visit intracervicalinsemination.com. Additionally, factsaboutfertility.org is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Search Queries:
- home insemination kit
- self insemination techniques
- home insemination syringe use
- best practices for insemination
- how to prepare for home insemination
In summary, my husband’s newfound organizational skills with his water bottles ignited a spark in our marriage that I had almost forgotten. Sometimes, it’s the little things that bring you closer together.