Be kind to yourself
By Jamie Taylor
May 18, 2022
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When my first child arrived nearly two decades ago, I remember glancing at the calendar and noticing my partner had circled the six-week mark with a big smiley face. He was eagerly awaiting the return of our intimate life, while I was just trying to muster a smile, let alone feel ready for sex.
I tried to articulate to him that when the doctor advised, “No vaginal intercourse for six weeks,” it didn’t imply I’d instantly be prepared to resume our sexual routine on that very day. Who even decides that timeline? Why not wait until we both feel comfortable? Yet, like many women postpartum, I felt a pressure to meet my partner’s needs, so I made an effort to get in the mood, but my libido just wasn’t there. I kept waiting for my desire to return, but it didn’t.
What I experienced — and what I’ve heard echoed by many others — is that once the six-week mark passes, society seems to expect us to bounce back to our pre-pregnancy selves. We are supposed to rekindle our sexual lives as if nothing has changed. This notion is utterly ridiculous. It takes nine months to grow a baby; shouldn’t it at least take that long to start feeling like our old selves again?
Managing menstruation while caring for a newborn is challenging. Recovering from childbirth and dealing with physical discomfort can linger long after the six-week checkup. Our bodies, hormones, and moods undergo significant changes. Add in the stress of parenting and sleep deprivation, and it’s no surprise that intimacy can feel impossible.
I felt like I was going through the motions, trying to fulfill an expectation of intimacy. This only made my libido plummet further. Instead of waiting until I felt ready, I pressured myself into thinking sex was something I had to do because, after all, I was cleared for it. This expectation largely stemmed from my own feelings, but my partner, who hadn’t given birth, simply couldn’t grasp why I wasn’t ready.
Transitioning from being a mother to feeling sexual was difficult. The idea of intimacy while my baby slept nearby felt odd, and I was consumed with anxiety — fearing that not wanting sex meant something was wrong with me.
When I had two more children, I felt even more overwhelmed. With my kids constantly needing me, my energy levels diminished, and my hormones were unpredictable. There were days I questioned if I’d ever feel desire again. I tried everything: reading erotica, purchasing sexy lingerie, and even consulting my doctor about testosterone cream, which had worked for some patients. But I never used it, as I simply didn’t feel inclined to engage in sexual activity.
It was at that moment I realized I wasn’t just uninterested in sex; I didn’t want to force myself to feel sexy. Why couldn’t I be patient with myself? I no longer needed to compare my current self to who I was before kids, when intimacy was a regular part of our lives. As soon as I removed that pressure and communicated my needs to my partner, things began to shift.
Yes, it was a gradual process, and it wasn’t always easy. There were moments when my partner felt frustrated. I genuinely felt that having three kids in quick succession had drained my body to the point where it paused my libido for nearly eight years.
I know that sounds like a long time, but it was a gradual return. As my children grew older and my days of juggling three toddlers faded, things improved. Moreover, once they were all in school and I had more personal time, I began to feel more like myself. What truly made the difference was letting go of the expectation to be the pre-parent version of myself. This alleviated so much pressure, and I started to look forward to intimacy again, rather than dread it.
I enjoy being sexual again. I appreciate that I now have the desire to initiate sex instead of feeling obligated. I’m grateful for the energy to please my partner and for the urge to seek pleasure myself.
If you find yourself struggling with a low libido after becoming a parent, be gentle with yourself. Every experience is unique — some friends of mine bounced back to intimacy much quicker than I did. The most crucial takeaway is that comparing yourself to others won’t benefit you at all.
If you’re feeling a diminished sex drive right now, please be kind to yourself and express your needs to your partner. You’ve nurtured a new life and are balancing your well-being with the demands of parenthood. It’s perfectly acceptable to take your time and listen to your body’s cues. I assure you, your libido will return.
For more insights, check out this related blog post. For expert guidance on parenting, visit this resource, and to learn more about pregnancy, you can visit the CDC website.