My First Child Is Off to College, and I'm Not Prepared

My First Child Is Off to College, and I’m Not Prepared

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For the first time in her life, she will celebrate her birthday away from home, and I was completely unprepared for this reality.

Written by Lila Harper
May 3, 2022

It’s 2:30 A.M., and I find myself awake again. You might assume it’s because of a fussy newborn or a teething baby—but you’d be mistaken. I do have a nearly three-year-old, but he’s peacefully asleep, thanks to sleep training at four months. No, I’m lying awake because of something no one ever warned me about. There’s no manual, no trendy course, and certainly no podcast discussing it. I’m here, tears streaming down my face, stressed about my daughter, who is still just 17, still my little girl, and her impending departure for college.

I have a two-year-old who’s just begun preschool and a 17-year-old senior in high school. I had Emma when I was still young. I found out I was expecting right after graduation, and her biological father left when I was five months along. I was broke—a wannabe actress waiting tables until my pregnancy made it tough to stand. Fortunately, my generous manager offered me a hostess position so I could maintain my health insurance until Emma arrived.

Once she was born, I committed myself to being the mother I always wanted. Before I got pregnant, I dreamed of acting in Hollywood and marrying a movie star, but those aspirations faded as I embraced my new role.

Emma’s early years were challenging, as one can imagine for a single mother, but my love for her was fierce. She showed me what true love, forgiveness, and joy meant. She taught me how to apologize and own up to my mistakes. She became my guiding light, my North Star, the embodiment of everything pure and good in my life.

I was strict; I didn’t tolerate backtalk, and whenever I noticed a frown, I’d promptly encourage her to smile instead. I wasn’t the “cool” mom; I understood she needed guidance, not a friend. I made her lunch every day, drove her to school, and never missed a performance or open house. I told her I loved her and that she was perfect multiple times daily, hoping she’d remember my voice whenever she doubted herself.

As the years passed, our relationship evolved. I eventually became a full-time actress and met my wonderful husband, who adopted Emma when we married. In 2019, we welcomed our son, Max. I can say I’m living my dream, and Emma has blossomed into my best friend. She knows me better than anyone, reading my expressions like a book. We share not just DNA but the strongest bond I’ve ever experienced. But now she’s leaving.

Emma is heading off to Northwestern University, all the way in Chicago—did I mention we live in Los Angeles? While I’m incredibly proud of her, I can’t shake the sadness. I’ve witnessed her grow into an extraordinary person, and in just a few months, she’ll turn 18—a legal adult. I could finally be the “cool” mom, but she won’t be here to experience it. For the first time, she’ll wake up on her birthday away from home, and no one prepared me for that.

So, dear readers, let this be a warning. The day will come when you must send your children out into the world. It will be tough; you’ll shed tears as you catch a glimpse of the baby you once cradled, and it will feel too soon to let them go. In those moments, remember that you’ve raised them well. You filled them with love and kindness, and you should be proud of your sacrifices and sleepless nights. You did an exceptional job.

Now, I can only hope Emma calls me during her college adventure. Until then, I’ll be in the kitchen preparing lunches for my two-year-old, mentally bracing myself for when he too will spread his wings.

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Summary:

As Lila Harper faces the impending departure of her daughter, Emma, for college, she reflects on their journey together, the challenges of single motherhood, and the bittersweet emotions of transitioning to an empty nest. Through her heartfelt narrative, she emphasizes the importance of cherishing the memories and the deep bond they share, while also preparing for the future.

My First Child Is Off to College, and I’m Not Prepared

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