The unpredictable changes in testosterone levels can lead boys to express themselves through physical aggression, anger, or an unexpected silence.
By Jamie Foster and Leonard Hayes, MD
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: April 21, 2022
Does this sound familiar? Your typically affectionate 10-year-old son suddenly announces at school drop-off, “No more kisses goodbye!” before heading off to meet his friends. Or perhaps you’ve experienced this: you pick up your 14-year-old son from school, and he slouches into the car, hood up, barely responding when you ask about his day—just a muttered “fine” before he dives into his phone. When you inquire about homework, he erupts, “I don’t know! Can you just leave me alone?!!!”
While discussions about moodiness often focus on adolescent girls, it’s important to recognize that boys also experience significant emotional fluctuations during puberty due to hormonal changes. The unpredictable rise and fall of testosterone can manifest as aggression, sudden outbursts, or complete withdrawal.
Parents often find it surprising when their young sons exhibit moodiness typically associated with older teens. However, this behavior is a direct result of testosterone, which begins affecting boys long before they show other signs of maturity. Despite still appearing very much like young children, their hormone-driven actions can feel entirely unfamiliar. This emotional upheaval can leave boys feeling confused about their feelings, and parents may feel powerless when they encounter their son’s withdrawn demeanor at home.
As Leonard emphasizes in his book, Understanding Boys, it’s crucial not to let your sons retreat into their rooms for years on end. Staying connected with your occasionally moody boy is essential for both of you. Even if he insists he wants distance, he still needs your support.
Strategies to Foster Connection
To effectively reach out to your pubescent son, consider these three strategies to foster connection. While there are no guarantees, these methods can help open up communication and bridge the gap created by hormonal changes.
Engage with His Interests
Even if gaming, hip-hop, or fantasy sports aren’t your passions, they are likely integral to your son’s world. As Dr. Emily Johnson noted on our podcast, “Embrace their interests,” so you can create opportunities for connection. Ask him questions like: “How did your fantasy team perform this week?” or “Have you unlocked any new skins in Fortnite?”
Sit Side by Side
Author Mia Thompson, known for Parenting Beyond Boundaries, suggests that sometimes, simply being physically close to your son without an agenda can be comforting. This could mean watching a show together or quietly sharing space while he studies. Even if it feels dull, your presence is often the most meaningful way to engage with him during these tumultuous years.
Look for Small Connection Points
While it might be tempting to have deep conversations, they can often backfire. Instead, focus on brief moments of connection. Consider texting him with quick messages to let him know you’re thinking of him or sharing funny memes to spark dialogue. You might even invite him to accompany you on a pizza run, allowing him to choose the songs for the drive. Using humor and casual interactions can ease the pressure and help maintain a sense of closeness.
Navigating this confusing time can be challenging, but it’s vital to remember that boys aren’t entirely in control of their mood swings. Puberty is an awkward phase for them, and your role is to show love, stay connected, and reassure them of your support. Though it may feel overwhelming at times, remember that parenting during this season is a marathon, not a sprint.
Jamie Foster and Leonard Hayes, MD, co-host The Puberty Podcast. Leonard is a pediatrician and an author specializing in puberty resources for children. Jamie runs a program focused on empowering youth through sports and education. She also shares insights in her Navigating Parenting newsletter about the complexities of raising tweens and teens. You can follow their journey on Instagram.
For more insights, check out this article on understanding your child’s development. Additionally, this site offers valuable information on preparing for parenting challenges. For excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, visit IVF Babble.
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In summary, boys undergo significant emotional changes during puberty, and parents should strive to maintain connections through shared interests and small moments of engagement. This challenging phase requires patience and understanding, but it’s crucial for their emotional well-being.