Some years ago, while relocating, I sought advice from my therapist on how to set up our new home. She offered two insightful recommendations: distribute my children’s belongings throughout the house to help them feel a sense of belonging in every space, and create private areas to foster healthy alone time.
Shortly after settling in, one of my children began experiencing significant mood swings. At the age of seven or eight, he would sometimes become so upset that he would either shut down or react aggressively. As an educator, I understood that the research surrounding timeouts can be conflicting, but as a parent, I recognized that he could truly benefit from them.
Timeouts can be detrimental when used solely as a punishment. Children need support in managing their strong emotions, which cannot happen if they are isolated. When timeouts are imposed as a consequence for misbehavior, kids may come to associate expressing their feelings with fear of solitude, abandonment, or rejection. Additionally, timeouts often last far too long; experts suggest that if implemented as a discipline method, they should only last 3-5 minutes.
However, that wasn’t the type of timeout my child required. He needed the alternative definitions—a pause from activity; a brief respite. I could see his need for a way to de-escalate before he could connect with me, while also knowing I was nearby for reassurance. Like me, he prefers not to be touched or to engage in conversation when he is deeply upset. Thus, immediate interventions like hugs or forcing him to discuss his feelings were counterproductive.
Together, we redefined what a timeout could be, collaborating to create the right conditions of space and time that would allow him to calm down and regroup. These special areas ultimately helped him feel prepared to discuss whatever was bothering him. He chose our coziest couch as his “timeout spot,” hiding a box of books and art supplies behind it. We agreed he could initiate a timeout whenever he felt the need. It was a suggestion I could offer, but never enforce. It was strictly for rest and rejuvenation. We decided that a timeout couldn’t last indefinitely, establishing a maximum of thirty minutes.
Now a tween, he still utilizes timeouts effectively. He can express when he needs solitude, and I trust his judgment. His timeout spaces have broadened beyond the living room couch; sometimes he plays basketball outside, reads a book upstairs, or finds solace drawing at his desk. In our home, timeouts are never used for screen time, as we haven’t found that approach to be a useful calming strategy.
When he calls for a “timeout” today, honoring that request strengthens our bond. We have both learned that opting for alone time is vastly different from being forced into isolation. Over time, we have discovered the appropriate duration for his timeouts and what signals indicate he is ready to conclude his break. He is also aware of what my disciplinary measures look like, distinguishing them from his self-imposed timeouts.
Our tweens and teens face a myriad of stressors, anxieties, and feelings of sadness. Many are overwhelmed, overstimulated, and in need of permission to unwind and recharge. Timeouts can be beneficial for them. As parents, we can communicate to our tweens and teens that they have the autonomy to call for a “timeout” amidst hectic schedules, heated discussions, or overwhelming emotions. By allowing our children the opportunity to request timeouts, we affirm their feelings, enable them to prioritize their own mental health, and equip them with a lifelong coping tool.
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In summary, timeouts can serve as a powerful tool for older children, promoting emotional regulation and self-awareness. By redefining timeouts as a means of self-care rather than punishment, parents can foster a nurturing environment where children feel safe to express their feelings and recharge.