Unsung Milestones
I was caught completely off guard by the nightly tug-of-war that ensued.
One Sunday evening in January, my partner tucked our 2.5-year-old daughter, Mia, into her crib and went about his evening routine. Just moments later, she appeared at our bedroom door, beaming with excitement. “I climbed out!” she announced proudly. It was a first for her, and we realized that it was time to finally transition her from crib to bed—something we had playfully joked about postponing until she was a teenager. The very next night, we made the switch. I was not ready for what was to come.
Most toddlers transition from a crib to a bed between 18 months and 3 years of age. This broad timeframe means parents everywhere are making their own choices, balancing their instincts with the “signs” that baby sleep experts recommend for this important change.
One major sign I learned about (three months too late) is that it’s generally advisable to wait until age 3 before transitioning to a big kid bed. “Younger toddlers are asserting their independence, but they haven’t yet developed strong reasoning skills,” explains Emily Foster, a baby sleep consultant. “Making the shift too early can lead to exhausting power struggles.” Additionally, studies indicate that two-year-olds often lack impulse control, making it difficult for them to stay in bed while falling asleep or during nighttime awakenings.
We quickly realized we had jumped the gun.
Mia had been a stellar sleeper since we sleep-trained her at five months, but after the switch, she began waking up crying multiple times a night. Bedtime quickly devolved into a battle that sometimes lasted over an hour, and she often appeared in our room before dawn, ready to start the day.
While there’s a wealth of advice on managing the sleep disruptions that come with this change, little attention is paid to how it affects parents. This impact can hardly be overstated.
For two glorious years, we enjoyed a child who peacefully stayed in her crib from 7 PM to 7 AM and napped for two solid hours each day. As all parents know, those hours are pure gold: guaranteed time to relax, be productive, or simply enjoy a moment of solitude.
Now, those moments are a distant memory. The security of the crib’s four walls has been removed, and we quickly discovered our limited leverage. Sure, effective parenting shouldn’t hinge on power dynamics (“Above all, we want to avoid power struggles with our toddlers,” says Foster), but it’s undeniably easier when you have the upper hand.
During those blissful crib days, after Mia had settled down, I’d curl up in my office chair, reading while listening to her chatter until she drifted off. That was pure bliss. Now, when I sit in that same chair, it’s a different story. Every few minutes, her door creaks open with yet another request: she needs to use the potty; she wants her socks on; she’s curious about why I’m upstairs and why her dad is downstairs.
In these moments, I can feel my patience waning, my irritation bubbling just beneath the surface. Time after time, I try to respond as the experts advise: calmly and firmly letting her know that it’s bedtime and she should return to bed. Yet, after a while, the weight of my helplessness becomes overwhelming. I have no control over when (or if!) my daughter sleeps. It’s reminiscent of those early newborn days, filled with dread that I’d never sleep again, that this would be my new reality. In moments of desperation, I’ve resorted to empty threats—taking away toys or even suggesting we might have to bring back the crib. While these tactics occasionally work, they are methods I never intended to use with my child.
The most disheartening result of our new sleep struggles is that I’ve become a less involved parent during the day. With no guaranteed downtime, I find myself rushing through bedtime, hoping that if I complete it faster, I might snag a moment to myself before my own bedtime. After particularly restless nights, I wake to her beaming face at 6:15 AM, filled with love but also a tinge of resentment. During my only break from parenting, I was unconscious.
This transition has underscored a lesson that parenthood teaches repeatedly: raising a child often means sacrificing personal pleasures for the love of your child. On those nights when Mia refuses to stay in bed, my first thoughts are about what I’m losing. I can’t finish my latest show; I can’t sneak away to write in my office. I can only gently guide her back to bed, over and over and over again.
Yet, I remind myself that this, like the newborn phase, is temporary. Soon enough, she’ll be locking her bedroom door to keep me out, and that room will be empty, leaving me with an endless stretch of quiet nights and peaceful mornings. It’s a sentimental thought, but it’s true. And it helps lessen the sting of realizing that I’ll never truly win this power struggle; at this very moment, I’m scouring the house for a stuffed unicorn that, as I’ve just discovered, my little girl can’t sleep without.
For more insights on parenting challenges, you can check out this blog post or read about authoritative resources on the subject at this site. Rmany’s blog is also an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, the transition from crib to big kid bed can be one of the most challenging milestones for both toddlers and parents. It brings a host of new struggles, often leading to sleepless nights and heightened stress. However, remembering that this phase is temporary can help parents navigate the chaos with patience and love.