As a bisexual woman who is married to a man, I often feel the tension between my identity and how others perceive me. Recently, while making breakfast for my daughter Emma, I found myself wondering about her social interactions at daycare. “Are you making any new friends?” I asked, casually pouring milk. When I spotted familiar names like “Lily — Emma’s Mom” and “Sophie — Emma’s Mom” on the daycare email list, my heart raced. Another queer family!
Living in a straight-passing relationship has its advantages, but it also means that people frequently assume I’m straight. This assumption has become a comfortable default, yet it also leaves me feeling disingenuous. Straight parents see me as just another mom, while queer parents often do the same. It’s a constant internal struggle, as I yearn for authentic connections with other LGBTQ+ parents.
I miss the camaraderie that comes from shared experiences, such as navigating the complexities of coming out or the thrill of finally embracing who you are. Though not every LGBTQ+ parent may care about my identity, I still crave acknowledgment of my queerness. The thought of being part of a community that understands and accepts me is intoxicating.
In the past, I’ve felt a rush of joy when I was able to come out to new friends within the LGBTQ+ community. Their recognition brought a sense of belonging that I desperately seek. However, opportunities to connect with other queer parents have been scarce. I recall meeting a dad in the park who enthusiastically declared, “I’m gay!” only to realize moments later that he meant “I’m Gabe.”
The day I saw Lily and Sophie’s names on the class list filled me with hope. I didn’t know if we’d click, but the possibility of friendship excited me. Unfortunately, when I asked Emma about her relationship with Lily, she said they weren’t friends. I was disappointed but recalled our recent conversation about different family structures when Emma mentioned Lily’s two mommies.
As I stood outside their home for a playdate, I felt a mixture of excitement and anxiety. When Lily’s mom, Sophie, opened the door and welcomed us in, I felt an instant connection. Hearing her refer to “my wife” stirred a pang of longing within me. It was a beautiful reminder of how effortless it seemed for them to embody their identities.
Noticing the contrasts between our lives, I felt the urge to assert my queerness in our conversation. I casually mentioned my involvement in an LGBTQ+ improv group, eagerly waiting for a response. When Sophie’s face lit up with understanding, I felt a wave of relief wash over me.
Yet, despite this moment of connection, our relationship remained cordial yet somewhat superficial. We exchanged stories about our kids and life, but the deeper connection I craved wasn’t fully realized. Nevertheless, just knowing that they recognized my identity allowed me to relax a bit more and feel seen.
The journey of navigating my identity as a bisexual mom in a straight-passing relationship is ongoing. While my friendships with other parents may not have blossomed into the vibrant connections I had hoped for, I find solace in the small victories. I am learning to embrace my queerness and the community I long to be a part of, even if it takes time.
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Summary
Navigating my identity as a bisexual mom in a straight-passing marriage has been a journey filled with moments of longing, connection, and self-discovery. I yearn for recognition within the LGBTQ+ community, seeking authentic friendships with other queer parents. While my experiences have been mixed, each step brings me closer to embracing my true self.