The past couple of years have stripped away my protective layers, leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable.
I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember; it’s become a constant companion. My childhood was filled with moments of fear—from being torn away from my mother by a strict teacher to panicking before every school presentation. I often left sleepovers early, overwhelmed by anxiety. I vividly recall the first morning in my college dorm, where I found myself sobbing on the sidewalk, heart racing, pleading for my parents to take me back home.
In essence, my life has felt like navigating a minefield. Through years of therapy and personal growth, I cultivated safe spaces and healthy boundaries, allowing me to find moments of joy. However, despite the lifting of Covid restrictions and some positive news, my anxiety seems to have intensified. Why am I feeling more anxious than ever?
The relentless stress of the last two years has eroded the protective mechanisms I spent years establishing. Now, I feel like a turtle without its shell, with my nervous system completely exposed. Simple tasks, like grocery shopping, can send my heart racing as I spiral into thoughts of my child choking on food. I often cut social plans short, consumed by worries that I may have upset someone or that my toddler might have fallen.
Recently, I attended a high-intensity workout class for the first time in ages. I dove straight into the activity without warming up, and the aftermath was brutal. The first morning after left me achy, but by the second morning, I felt utterly incapacitated. A former boyfriend once referred to this as the “forty-eight hour effect.” I believe I’m experiencing a similar phenomenon now.
For two years, I lived in a constant state of fear for myself and my family. As life begins to return to normal, I wonder if my mind is still catching up. Perhaps it powered through the chaos, paused, and is now reacting with the same level of exhaustion and pain I felt after that intense workout. It seems that two years of significant upheaval and worry can leave deep scars. Additionally, the ongoing global turmoil—from climate change to geopolitical conflicts—has disrupted my ability to compartmentalize my feelings. As an introvert, retreating into my shell during the pandemic has certainly taken its toll.
I used to push myself to engage socially for the sake of my family, strengthening those social muscles over time. But now, I feel like I’m back at square one, struggling with a desire to escape from social events and feeling awkward in interactions. My mind, which has always leaned toward worst-case scenarios, has been bombarded with distressing information throughout the pandemic, especially during the pregnancy and birth of my fourth child. I now feel as if my baseline is permanently elevated, with my body in a constant state of fight or flight.
Is this heightened anxiety simply a normal response to navigating motherhood during a global crisis? It’s possible. Even with restrictions easing, I find myself feeling burnt out and overwhelmed. I’m keeping my head down and pushing through until it fades. My four-year-old is bravely facing her mask-free classroom, while I try to move forward.
I recognize that I need to give myself time to adjust. I’ll discard unrealistic expectations and stop questioning what’s wrong with me—because the truth is, nothing is wrong. I’ve survived and parented through a global pandemic, and it will take more than just a few days to process the effects of that experience. I’ll continue my therapy sessions, consider adjusting my medication, stay active, and cherish moments with my children. I will confront my worries head-on and lean into logic when fear creeps in. Connecting with friends who feel similarly will also help. Eventually, I hope to feel a little less burdened.
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