Like many who grew up in the 80s and 90s, I spent countless hours walking to wherever I wanted to go. My parents never handed me cash; if I dared to ask for a few coins, they would have probably laughed it off. If Starbucks had existed back then, we certainly wouldn’t have visited—like, ever.
My parents were relentless in reminding me how much easier my life was compared to theirs. Dining out was a rare treat for them, and when we did go out, we were always told to finish our plates. I can still hear my dad recounting how he only had two outfits during his teenage years. Their attempts to drill in the magnitude of my privileges didn’t foster appreciation; instead, it made me feel guilty for enjoying the things they provided, which left me bewildered.
Yet, as a parent myself, I found myself repeating the same patterns. Whenever my kids complained about dinner or sulked over a toy they didn’t receive in their happy meal, I reminded them of my own childhood struggles. One day, while explaining the chores I had to do growing up, my son stopped me and said, “I didn’t ask to be born, and I’m not the one assigning these chores.”
At that moment, I cringed at how much I mirrored my own parents. Trying to hammer home the advantages of their life didn’t enhance their gratitude; I was simply standing on the same soapbox I once wished to topple. I realized my words carried no weight. My youngest even said, “Yeah, we know, you always say that.” They were listening but not appreciating what I was saying. It dawned on me that they couldn’t fully grasp our experiences.
Telling our children how fortunate they are doesn’t validate their feelings, especially when they face academic challenges or emotional struggles. Minimizing their issues by comparing them to our experiences only alienates them further. Just because they have it easier doesn’t mean they don’t encounter their own hardships.
It’s unfair for me to make them feel guilty for circumstances beyond their control. I strive to give them a life better than my own, but I shouldn’t hold that over their heads. How many times have you faced a challenge only to be met with, “It could be worse”? Such comments rarely motivate us to rise to the occasion.
Once I stopped comparing my upbringing with theirs, I felt a sense of relief and resentment dissipated. This shift greatly improved my relationship with my teens. They deserve to experience their childhood without constant comparisons. It has opened up communication, allowing them to confide in me about their issues more than before.
Our teens are still navigating their own challenges, and if we keep comparing them to others, including ourselves, they won’t be able to thrive or trust us fully.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s realization about the futility of comparing their upbringing to their children’s experiences. It discusses how such comparisons can diminish appreciation and communication, ultimately leading to resentment. By letting go of these comparisons, the author found improved relationships with their teens and encourages validating their feelings instead.