It feels like “Turning Red,” the latest Pixar film, was crafted just for me. I’ve always had the spirit of a red panda—someone who openly expresses intense emotions. Throughout my childhood, I never hesitated to voice my feelings, whether it was anger or frustration. I didn’t need a magical transformation; I lived in that vibrant emotional state every day.
In the film, 13-year-old Mei Mei morphs into a colossal red panda, representing the dual aspects of adolescence: the physical changes during puberty and the powerful emotions that come with being a tween or teen. While it’s exciting to have such a pivotal time in life portrayed in animation, the director, Domee Shi, delves into the intricate emotional landscape of young people, which resonates deeply with my own experiences.
I was always expressive, loud, and sensitive. Even before hitting puberty, my emotions—hurt, anger, and frustration—were impossible to contain. My feelings were written all over my face, evident in my body language, and I made sure to communicate them directly. Bottling things up was never my style.
Did this make me an easy child to raise? Not necessarily. Were my teachers fond of my candidness? The most frequent note on my report cards read, “Alex needs to raise her hand less.” Did it make friendships easy? Not always. As I grew up, I learned to channel my inner red panda positively: advocating for my needs, standing up for others, and leading in sports. My red panda was still there, but it underwent a transformation.
Then I became a parent to a daughter, the only girl among three brothers. She too embodies the spirit of a red panda. There was no way to suppress her vibrant energy and strong opinions. She voiced her thoughts on the soccer field and debated with teachers in class, showcasing her sharp wit with friends. I worry that her unique spirit may get overshadowed as she navigates adolescence. I managed to avoid that pitfall, but will she?
Having tamed my own red panda, witnessing my daughter’s intense reactions stirs up memories—some joyful, some less so. When I think about supporting her in embracing her red panda, I realize I need to start with myself. Here are some key reminders that help validate her emotions without becoming overwhelmed:
- Never instruct her to “calm down” or dismiss her feelings as “not a big deal.”
- Offer simple empathetic responses: “I’m genuinely sorry. That’s tough.”
- Avoid jumping in to fix whatever is upsetting her, whether it’s a sibling, a friend, or a teacher.
- Ask if she prefers some company, a hug, or a bit of space.
Over the last decade, I have worked with girls of all ages, guiding them in articulating complex emotions, both on and off the sports field. Society often tells girls to be “nice,” leaving little room for their frustrations and hurts. As Rachel Simmons, author of Curse of the Good Girl, wisely notes, if girls don’t learn to express their challenging feelings constructively, those emotions may manifest in harmful ways.
We don’t want our girls to bottle up their pain, disappointment, anger, or loneliness. That path leads to secrecy, dishonesty, and shame. We want our children to discuss their feelings openly, even if it makes those around them uncomfortable. It’s essential that our daughters trust us to handle the weight of their emotions. We aim to help them navigate their intense feelings rather than conceal them. Rather than fearing their inner red pandas, we should teach them how to harness their power.
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In summary, embracing and validating our children’s emotional experiences is essential. By allowing them to express their inner red pandas, we not only support their development but also strengthen our relationship with them.