Have We All Lost the Art of Socializing?

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Written by Jessica Lane
Feb. 23, 2022
Image by dowell/Moment/Getty Images

When the doorbell rings, my partner turns to me, looking utterly bewildered, and whispers, “I’ve forgotten how to answer the door.” We’re welcoming friends for dinner for the first time in two years, and our awkward greetings indicate just how out of touch we’ve become with social interactions. If I, an adult with years of experience, feel anxious about socializing in this post-pandemic era, how must my kids be feeling?

For two years, I was so preoccupied with daily challenges like COVID safety and virtual schooling that I overlooked the more nuanced social effects on my children. However, I soon realized that the pandemic, along with the rise of technology and social media, has drastically altered their social lives compared to the pre-pandemic era.

While they enjoy school and the socializing that comes with it, both of my middle schoolers seem less inclined to make plans outside of that environment. It’s as if they missed a crucial lesson on socializing; the truth is, we all did.

I felt a wave of panic when I recognized that we had all, in some way, forgotten how to socialize. First, I reassured myself that I hadn’t failed as a parent; we’re simply grappling with another aspect of the pandemic’s bizarre effects. Next, I focused on constructive ways to help my kids regain their social skills, aiming for interactions that feel enjoyable and fulfilling for them—not just for me.

Remove Judgment and Assumptions

My kids can find as much joy in connecting online—whether it’s through FaceTime or gaming on Xbox—as they do in person. Initially, I found it disheartening that they view these experiences as equal. But when I stepped back and eliminated my critical perspective, I felt thankful that they have various ways to forge connections that resonate with them. In my mind, face-to-face interaction ranks higher than online engagement, but I’ve had to let go of that hierarchy since their experiences are entirely different from what I envisioned.

Rename Playdates to Hangouts

Recently, while discussing plans with my tween, I suggested organizing a playdate. He looked at me, horrified, and replied, “Please don’t call it that. It sounds juvenile.” When I shared this with his older brother, he shot me a look of disbelief and said, “Mom, it’s ‘hangout,’ not playdate. Playdate is embarrassing.”

This made me realize that my choice of words reflects a deeper issue: I was still treating him like a 4th grader, the grade he was in when the pandemic began, rather than acknowledging his growth into a more mature 6th grader. Language matters when it comes to helping our kids feel acknowledged and understood.

Take Small Steps

During the pandemic, I spoke with my friend Dr. Sarah James, a child psychologist. We discussed how to help kids return to a sense of “normalcy.” Dr. James emphasized that since children have been out of practice in multiple areas—emotionally, academically, socially, and physically—they need gradual exposure to regain their footing. As she put it, before they can sprint a mile, they might need to start by walking one.

Before tackling grade-level math again, they may need to revisit basic facts. Similarly, before jumping back into the socializing they used to enjoy, they should ease into it with manageable interactions. Instead of jumping straight to sleepovers or weekend outings, maybe we should start with a brief outing for hot chocolate or tossing a football in the park. We need to adjust our expectations based on what feels comfortable for them, rather than forcing them into situations we think they should be ready for.

Get Curious About Their Barriers

When I notice a change in my kids’ behavior, my instinct is often to compare it to my own experiences or those of their siblings. However, I strive to resist that urge, allowing my kids to narrate their own adolescent stories. I try to approach them with curiosity, seeking to understand their perspectives and aspirations.

For instance, instead of asking my 11-year-old, “Why don’t you want to hang out with friends this weekend?” I might say, “I’ve noticed you don’t seem keen on hanging out outside of school. I’m curious why that is.” If my child expresses a desire to make plans but struggles to do so, instead of saying, “What’s so hard about this?” I could say, “It seems like making a plan is challenging for you. Would you like some advice or assistance?”

Ultimately, my primary goal for my family’s social reintegration is to recognize that there’s no universal approach—each child has distinct goals and needs a unique path to reach them. My role is to be patient and inquisitive about their experiences.

I’m applying the same approach to my own discomfort with socializing. I’m taking time to reflect on my feelings: Is my heart racing before going out? Am I uncertain about what to wear because nothing fits? Do I feel obligated to socialize rather than genuinely wanting to? Is staying home simply more appealing? My objectives for myself mirror those I have for my children: start small, allow plenty of time, be patient, and refrain from judging others’ methods. Perhaps one day, my husband will once again remember how to answer the door.

Jessica Lane is the co-host of The Parenting Podcast; the founder of Empower Kids, a company focused on sports and education; and the author of The Navigating Adolescence Newsletter, insights on raising teenagers.

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Summary:

After two years of pandemic-related isolation, many families, including mine, are struggling to rediscover the art of socializing. This article explores the subtle impacts on children’s social skills, emphasizing the need for patience and gradual reintroduction to social activities. It highlights the importance of language, curiosity about kids’ experiences, and adjusting expectations to support their unique journeys back to social engagement.

Have We All Lost the Art of Socializing?