A while back, I found myself in the difficult position of needing to end a friendship. I tried dodging her invitations with excuses like “I need to wash my hair,” but after countless attempts, I realized that wouldn’t work. Eventually, I decided to be upfront with her—through a text message.
I still have that message saved on my phone, and I’m not entirely sure why. It read: “I don’t feel the same about you and our friendship since you treated your daughter that way, and I can’t stop thinking about it. When we meet up, I feel uncomfortable and anxious. My mental health is my priority, so it would be better for me if we stopped hanging out. Sorry.”
Even years later, reflecting on my honesty makes me tense. Apparently, I made a significant misstep, as I’ve learned from the experts. Here’s how to handle a friend breakup better:
Meet Face-to-Face
Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist from New York City, emphasizes that an in-person conversation is the only mature way to approach a breakup. On the other hand, Guy Winch, another psychologist, suggests that texting might be acceptable for newer relationships. Unfortunately, I got this wrong since our friendship had lasted nearly a decade. A kinder approach would have been more appropriate.
Acknowledge the Value of the Friendship
Ahona Guha, a clinical psychologist, advises making it clear that the friendship was meaningful before ending it. I neglected to mention how much I valued her support during my own mental health struggles. Instead of expressing gratitude, I focused solely on my feelings.
Focus on Yourself, Not Their Flaws
Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist, points out that it’s crucial to avoid criticizing their shortcomings and to center the conversation on your needs. Looking back, I realize that my breakup text was accusatory rather than focusing on my anxiety and discomfort. I should have shown more compassion.
I thought I was handling things well, especially since her invitations weren’t fading away. I texted to spare her the trouble of meeting for coffee just to hear I didn’t want to continue the friendship. However, a little research on the best ways to handle such situations could have spared her some pain. Would I do things differently in the future? Absolutely. Do I hope there won’t be a next time? Definitely.
For more insights, check out one of our other blog posts here, or visit this excellent resource for more information on related topics.
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In summary, breaking up with a friend is never easy, but approaching it with care and consideration can make a world of difference. Reflecting on my own experience, I recognize the importance of being thoughtful and empathetic in such situations.