When I welcomed three children into the world within just three years, I didn’t give much thought to their teenage years. While I knew they would eventually become teenagers, it felt like I had an eternity to prepare. The reality is, no amount of preparation could have equipped me for raising even one teenager, let alone three simultaneously.
Having been a teenager myself does not automatically grant me expertise in parenting teens. Reflecting on my own experiences helps, but my kids are unique individuals with distinct needs and feelings. They won’t navigate their teenage years the same way I did, and it took me some time to grasp this fact.
Now that my children are 18, 16, and 15, each day brings its own surprises. However, I’ve gleaned some valuable insights over the years that have made our lives — and theirs — a tad easier.
1. Allow Them Space.
Teens require space, and that’s completely normal. It may feel like they’ve transitioned from wanting to spend time with you to wanting nothing to do with you. All three of my kids have experienced this. The more I pushed them to leave their rooms, the more they resisted. By giving them room to breathe, they started rejoining family activities on their own terms. I began doing fun things without them, like grabbing takeout or going on a hike, and if they wanted to join, they could. When planning family gatherings, I gave them ample notice and made it clear they were expected to be present, but they could still enjoy their downtime afterward. Recognizing their need for privacy helped reduce their desire to retreat.
2. Avoid Judging Their Fashion Choices.
My kids often choose comfort over style, opting for pajamas and mismatched socks. They enjoy expressing themselves through piercings and other trends. I’ve realized that their comfort in their own skin is paramount. I used to insist they change out of their pajamas or dress more appropriately, which only led to arguments and ruined plans. Now, I focus on how they treat others rather than their appearance.
3. Let Go of External Opinions.
People will always have opinions about your parenting and your kids. Let them talk. Their comments reflect their own insecurities, not yours. You must prioritize what works for your family. Whether it’s my son opting out of college or my daughter’s colorful hair, I’ve learned that each child is unique and should be allowed to carve their own path.
4. Acknowledge Their Individual Journeys.
Many parents wish their kids would follow in their footsteps academically or athletically. My children are completely different from me and their father. When my eldest quit sports, we tried to pressure him into continuing, but it backfired. Accepting his choices allowed him to flourish in ways we never anticipated. He now leads a healthy lifestyle and demonstrates remarkable financial responsibility. Each child’s journey is their own; you must allow them the freedom to discover their passions.
5. Validate Their Feelings.
If your teen expresses that they’re upset, believe them. Arguing or dismissing their feelings only makes them feel unheard. If they think you don’t care about their emotions, they may stop confiding in you altogether. Everyone wants to feel validated, including teenagers.
6. Listen to Their Emotions.
High school is rife with drama and emotional ups and downs. If your child comes to you upset about a friend’s comment or a crush’s indifference, take it seriously. Dismissing their feelings as trivial can make them feel invalidated. Their social experiences are significant, and you should treat them as such.
7. Understand Their Social Life Takes Precedence.
This is a normal phase as teens seek to connect with their peers. While it can sting to feel pushed aside, it’s crucial to remember that it’s not about you; it’s about them finding their community. Balance is essential, but know that their friendships will often take priority.
8. Reflect on Your Own Teenage Years.
When conflicts arise, remember your own teen experiences. While it’s important for them to face consequences for their actions, recalling the challenges you faced can help you empathize with their struggles.
9. Prepare for Loneliness.
As your children grow, they will naturally need you less. This can leave you feeling unneeded. But don’t despair; they often circle back as they mature. In the meantime, invest time in yourself and activities that bring you joy. Remember, parenting teens is a challenging role, so extend grace to yourself and your kids.
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Summary
Raising teenagers can be a daunting task filled with unexpected challenges. By allowing space, validating feelings, and focusing on their journey, parents can navigate this tricky phase with greater ease. Remember to invest in your own well-being during this time.