“Yikes, this is unpleasant.” I pulled a squished, brown banana from my son’s backpack. Like many healthy snacks I prepare, this one made the trip to school only to come back home battered and uneaten.
For a moment, I just stared at the banana. Exhaustion from sleepless nights washed over me: “I get it, kiddo. We kicked off the day with optimism, but now we’re feeling bruised and defeated.”
Despite my whimsical musings with a piece of fruit, today was a difficult day for me as a mom. We’re two months into my son Max’s first “normal” school year as a first grader, and he’s clearly facing challenges. He doesn’t share much, only dropping hints about friendships fading and new classmates not wanting to play with him.
But his actions tell a different story. He’s become irritable, rude, and withdrawn. There’s been a noticeable increase in slammed doors, eye rolls, and tears over the past few weeks. It’s as if he’s upset with me for not shielding him from the anxiety that comes with re-entering social settings. It’s tough being a child in a post-pandemic world, and I sometimes wonder if it’s even harder to be a parent. I’m losing sleep over my six-year-old’s mental health, which explains my conversation with a banana.
Today, his teacher reached out to discuss some incidents that indicate his struggles are primarily social-emotional. I know we can’t foresee every challenge our kids will face, but I didn’t see this one coming. Even with all the discussions about how pandemic isolation has affected children’s social skills, I mistakenly thought my son was unaffected.
Now, I’m heartbroken for him.
These are the moments when I have to resist the urge to scoop him up and promise that I’m the only friend he needs. I have to refrain from buying him toys that would only provide temporary relief. I remind myself that we’re in a phase that requires a more thoughtful approach than just an ice cream treat after school.
This may be our first significant childhood challenge, and it’s a tough one. While some may claim these issues will resolve themselves with time, I know firsthand that childhood anxiety is real, and I won’t leave him to struggle without support. He deserves to experience the beautiful blend of resilience and joy that comes with being a child. Here’s my plan…
Listen — while keeping my cool.
My little guy tends to keep his feelings private, so a simple “how was school today?” often doesn’t yield much. I’ve noticed that there are special moments at bedtime, during car rides, and in quiet moments throughout the day when he opens up to me. If I show any sign of worry or surprise, he quickly shuts down, so I make sure to stay calm and attentive, offering him my full focus for as long as possible… or until he changes the subject back to LEGOS or Minecraft.
Avoid the urge to rush back to normal.
I have this persistent feeling that we need to catch up to other kids or bridge some social gap. As mothers, we tend to want to fix things, but this is a delicate situation emerging during extraordinary times. Max completed kindergarten on a tablet; he doesn’t know what normal truly is. He simply understands that something is bothering him. Even though my heart aches when I see his classmates playing together effortlessly, I remind myself to focus on the goal: helping him feel loved and accepted just as he is. When he reaches that point, I’ll consider him “caught up.”
Encourage discussions about feelings.
As much as I can write about my feelings, talking about them can be exhausting. Now, I have a son who needs to learn how to identify and manage his emotions, so it’s time for me to step up and model healthy behavior. I share simple examples of when I faced disappointment and how that made me feel, as well as how I coped with those feelings. Honestly, it often seems to fall on deaf ears, but I hope he’s absorbing more than it appears, so I keep trying.
Utilize social-emotional resources at school.
Fortunately, things have evolved since my childhood, and academics are no longer the sole focus in elementary schools. There are programs designed to help students build resilience and social skills in the wake of the pandemic. I’m sincerely grateful that creating a sense of connection, safety, and security is prioritized over academics.
Embrace the concept of “scaffold parenting.”
During my online exploration, I discovered a beautiful idea called scaffold parenting. It’s the notion that the child is like a building, and parents serve as the scaffold that supports and guides them as they grow. This means acknowledging that I can’t simply fix social rejection, bullying, or anxiety. Max needs to learn to spread his wings, make mistakes, and face challenges as he re-engages with the world. What I can do is create a nurturing framework around him, allowing him to develop into a resilient, confident, and happy individual.
Humans require social connections at every stage of life, and it’s no wonder that young children, still learning basic social skills, are struggling after a year of isolation. For every two steps forward, it can feel like we take one step back. Such is the parenting journey. This too shall pass, and my response to Max’s difficulties is simply an opportunity to model resilience. In the meantime, I’ll continue my conversations with fruit.
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In summary, as a parent navigating my son’s emotional challenges in today’s world, I’ve learned the importance of listening, discussing feelings, and utilizing available resources. By adopting a supportive approach, I aim to help him grow resilient and confident, even amidst the difficulties we face.