November 8, 2021
Trigger warning: miscarriage
Today, we faced the heartbreaking loss of our baby. I’m writing as a form of therapy, something that helps me cope. I am now a mother of six—four children here on earth and two in heaven. It’s surreal to pen these words, as I never thought I would experience a miscarriage after having four healthy pregnancies. Yet, I find myself grappling with the reality of losing our fifth child.
Early this morning, I noticed some bleeding. I was nine weeks pregnant and had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, but deep down, I felt like I wouldn’t need it.
At 5:45 am, I thought maybe I was being overly pessimistic. Perhaps everything would turn out fine, and I would welcome a healthy baby. I had already chosen a name and was excited to discover the gender—something I had never done before.
However, my emotions are in turmoil. I can’t help but feel guilty for my initial indifference towards this pregnancy. I felt embarrassed to share the news with my family. When I called to schedule my appointment, I dreaded the question, “Is this your first pregnancy?” “No, it’s my fifth,” I would reply, fearing judgment. I had dreamed of a little girl, hoping for a sister for my daughter.
What weighs heavily on my mind is my age—I’m 38. Statistics show that after two miscarriages, the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy decreases by 30%. Adding my age into the mix only heightens my anxiety.
At 6:01 am, the tears began to flow—something I rarely do. I’m not someone who cries often; I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried hard in my life. But today, I am crying uncontrollably.
The clock ticks to 6:39 am. I’ve been awake since 11:30 pm, and soon my kids will wake up, unaware of what I’m going through. They don’t know I’m miscarrying their baby brother or sister. I don’t want my husband to see me like this. He has a big meeting today, and if he stays home, I’ll feel guilty. It’s just how my mind works; I prefer to grieve alone.
At 6:55 am, I scrolled through social media and stumbled upon pregnancy announcements. These women are so young, and I feel like time is slipping away from me. I can’t shake the sadness of feeling like I took this pregnancy for granted. I thought I was so good at being pregnant that it would be easy again. Yet, I sensed trouble early on and tried to ignore it.
At 7:07 am, I remember the doctor’s office opens at 8. Should I call? I’m supposed to have my ultrasound tomorrow. My heart feels heavy.
By 9:35 am, my doctor has squeezed me in for an appointment at 2:10 pm. The bleeding has intensified. No matter what I read online, I fear this is the end.
Later that evening, my doctor confirmed what I already knew: I had miscarried. Jeff has been by my side, and my mom is taking care of the kids. I haven’t left my bed since 10 am, except for the appointment. We decided to get sushi for dinner—something I had planned for after giving birth. It hurts to think about that, but it felt right.
Now, as I lay in bed, I reflect on the day. I’m exhausted but still want to soak in the quiet, kid-free night. I’m still grappling with the loss and wondering about the future. My doctor reassured me that this doesn’t define my ability to have a healthy pregnancy down the line if that’s what we choose.
I wonder how long this pain will linger and whether I’ll find the courage to share our story.
If you’re looking for more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent article on IVF and Fertility Preservation. You can also read about other experiences that might resonate with you. For expert advice on this topic, visit Intracervical Insemination.
Search Queries:
- Home insemination tips
- Signs of miscarriage
- Coping with pregnancy loss
- Pregnancy after miscarriage
- Support for pregnant women
Summary:
In this heartfelt account, Emily Carter shares her experience of losing a baby during her fifth pregnancy. She navigates the emotional turmoil of miscarriage while managing her responsibilities as a mother of four. Throughout the day, she reflects on her feelings of guilt and the societal pressures surrounding pregnancy. Despite the pain, she finds support in her family and medical professionals. Ultimately, she contemplates the future and the hope of healthy pregnancies to come.