It’s been 995 days since I walked away from a life I believed would last forever—a life I fully embraced and poured my heart into. It was a life that, although not perfect, was beautifully painful for 2,407 days. Then, in an instant, it was gone.
For the last 995 days, I have wrestled with a whirlwind of emotions. To be honest, I spent a good portion of that time in denial, burying my feelings deep within. The day I realized I needed to leave, my heart shattered, and the final day I closed the door behind me, it fragmented into a thousand pieces. Although I have managed to piece my heart back together, it’s more beautiful for having been broken. Yet, I still feel the emptiness left behind—a void that was once filled with the love of a woman and her three children, whom I adored completely and believed would be part of my story until the end. That void cannot be filled with new love or life, leaving a permanent scar.
While I’ve openly grieved for the three incredible souls I had the honor of raising for nearly seven years, there are other layers of heartache that I kept hidden. I struggled to acknowledge my longing for a love that once felt eternal. And even though I am one of the fortunate ones who found my soulmate after such profound loss, it seemed wrong to recognize that longing. So, I buried it, pretending it didn’t exist, even from myself.
Recently, however, the dam I built to contain these feelings began to crack, releasing a flood of emotions I had desperately tried to suppress. I had convinced myself that it was not acceptable to feel pain over my past while fully embracing my present with my new family. How foolish it is to think one can’t hold both love and loss simultaneously.
I do feel those emotions, and they are undeniably real. I carry a deep sadness for the life that was cut short, and I fear I may never feel whole again because a part of me vanished when those dreams faded. I long for the woman I once loved with all my heart to still be a part of my life today.
When you share a profound love, it changes you forever. Sometimes that connection remains, while other times it simply cannot endure. Regardless, we are never the same. Before her, I had never experienced a love like that, and I know I never will again. It was a raw and powerful bond that will forever reside in the depths of my being.
These are my truths, and I can no longer keep them hidden. A wise friend reminded me that the heart remembers, and that wisdom resonates strongly with me today. I still feel that love in my bones, like an ache that appears unexpectedly, especially when it rains. And lately, as I’ve stood in the middle of that downpour, I’ve recognized how much I yearn for a reality that diverges from the one I currently inhabit.
It’s not about wishing to go back or undo the events that have led us here. I don’t want to return to my former life, married to that woman, parenting those children instead of embracing the beautiful life I have today with my amazing partner, Sarah, and our little ones. This isn’t an admission of regret; rather, it highlights how everything that has transpired has allowed me to love my new family with purpose and peace. My third love is a gift I never anticipated and fulfills needs I didn’t even know I had. Yet, as I hold onto the memories of the past, I quietly hope that, perhaps one day, we may reconnect.
I was hesitant to voice these feelings, yet they spilled out uncontrollably, urging me to confront them. Now, I am finally ready to own them. The internal conflict has subsided, and I feel steadier and more at peace. I understand my emotions and no longer feel as though I’m battling against myself. By allowing these feelings to surface, I’m rediscovering the emotionally honest, heart-centered person I’ve grown into over the years. For that, I am truly grateful.
Now, I stand right where I need to be, continuing to show up for life. Some may find my revelations difficult to comprehend, but for many of you, these truths resonate deeply. If I can impart any wisdom from my journey, it’s to express your feelings, let go of what you hoped for, and embrace the present. Release the burdens that chain you to your pain, give yourself permission to feel everything, and navigate your life without armor. Commit to living in the current chapter without fretting over what has passed or what is yet to come.
These are my commitments to myself, and for the first time in a long time, I am fully accepting who I am and the reality of my life. In this moment, I invite you to witness me—carrying a lighter load, cherishing each moment with my beloved family, and encouraging you to join me on this beautiful, ever-evolving journey.
If you’re interested in more insightful reflections, check out one of our other blog posts here. For expert guidance on pregnancy, you can also read more here. For additional support on this journey, visit this authority on home insemination.
Potential Search Queries:
- home insemination techniques
- understanding self insemination
- navigating life after divorce
- finding love after loss
- building a blended family
In summary, it’s essential to recognize and embrace the complexities of love, loss, and new beginnings. We all carry unspoken heartaches, and it’s vital to allow ourselves the freedom to feel while also nurturing the beautiful lives we create.