This year was meant to celebrate thirteen years of marriage. We were supposed to wake up on our anniversary, joking about superstitions and unlucky numbers. Instead, it marked my fourth year of waking up without my husband, navigating life as a widow while raising two children. It was also my first year accepting the less glamorous aspects of grief.
On the morning of my anniversary, I didn’t receive the usual “Happy Anniversary” messages I had come to expect during my earlier years of marriage or even the supportive texts I got in my early widowhood. Instead, I faced the typical chaos of a weekday: kids rushing to school, a dog needing to go to the vet, and a mountain of laundry waiting for attention.
After the morning rush, I went to the grocery store. There, I spotted a cookie cake in the bakery section with “Happy Anniversary” written in pink icing. I paused in front of it, filled with frustration. In a different reality—one where my husband was still here—I would have bought that cake. Instead, I am left in a reality where it’s just another painful reminder of what I’ve lost.
As I continued my shopping, I found myself circling back to that cake several times. I didn’t want to buy it for any sentimental reason or to celebrate our love. My desire was fueled by a darker impulse: to deny some unknown person the chance to bring home that cake, to share it with their partner, and to make the jokes I could no longer partake in. I was ready to buy that cake simply to spite them.
And this is the ugly part of grief.
Grief encompasses heartache, solitude, nostalgia, and fear—none of which are pleasant emotions. They can be challenging to confront and even harder for others to witness. Yet, they are understandable and relatable. However, grief also includes aspects we tend to avoid discussing because they are even more uncomfortable. We strive to be kind and gracious, not wanting to walk around harboring resentment, jealousy, or anger. Yet, those feelings are there, lurking beneath the surface.
I felt that familiar jealousy when I saw another couple sharing anniversary photos on social media. The anger at the universe for taking away what I thought we would have forever was palpable. Rationally, I knew that buying the cake wouldn’t equate to a happy marriage, and those pictures only tell one side of a story. But grief rarely follows rationality.
For too long, I tried to deny the existence of these ugly feelings. I wanted to be happy for others, to acknowledge that they too have their struggles. But it was hard to suppress the part of me that wished the cake would somehow end up ruined before it reached its destination.
Standing before that cake display, I realized that I was tired of pretending resentment didn’t exist. It’s exhausting to ignore the anger stemming from the life I expected to have but didn’t receive. Denying these emotions only allows them to grow unchecked.
I recognized that my grief has its ugly sides that I may not be proud of, but they are human, normal, and should be acknowledged. There’s beauty in allowing all feelings space to exist. The challenge lies in embracing those emotions without letting them define who I am. It’s about preventing that small drop of resentment from turning into an overwhelming flood.
That day, I chose not to buy the cake. I acknowledged my feelings and decided they wouldn’t dictate my actions. I hoped that someone else would buy that cake for the right reasons.
Instead, I treated myself to something special. I bought an extravagant coffee maker—something I would never typically splurge on for myself, but my husband would have delighted in gifting to me. I’m enjoying coffee brewed from it as I write this. It’s a small victory and a reminder that joy can coexist with grief.
For more insights on navigating grief and emotional struggles, check out this post, which offers additional perspectives on embracing difficult feelings.
Summary
In this heartfelt reflection, the author shares her journey through grief, particularly during significant anniversaries. She confronts the uncomfortable emotions that accompany loss—resentment, jealousy, and anger—while recognizing the importance of acknowledging these feelings rather than suppressing them. Ultimately, she chooses to celebrate herself instead of succumbing to negativity, emphasizing that while grief may have ugly sides, there is beauty in embracing all emotions.