October brings with it a celebration of change—think pink ribbons, pumpkins, and the crispness of autumn. It’s my favorite time of year, symbolizing renewal and fresh beginnings. As we transition through the seasons, we leave the past behind and embrace new opportunities. I’ve spent far too long in a dark chapter of my life, and now that it’s coming to a close, I feel compelled to share my journey. While it’s rare for me to believe that everything happens for a reason, I must in this instance, to make sense of the hurt and scars.
Since its inception in 1978, October has been designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month across the United States. Domestic violence manifests in various forms, including emotional, financial, physical, and verbal abuse. Regardless of the type, all forms of domestic violence are unforgivable. Your partner may belittle you, disrespect you, and instill fear without ever laying a hand on you. But that doesn’t negate the reality of the abuse. I didn’t recognize this for too long.
For years, I convinced myself that my aversion to being around my partner didn’t equate to being in an abusive situation. I thought we simply had a complicated relationship. But that was a misconception. If you’ve ever questioned whether your experiences are typical—wondering if other relationships feel this way—let me assure you: it’s not you.
Understanding Emotional and Verbal Abuse
Promises of change often come, begging for belief. “It will be the last time,” he said. Yet, he had uttered those words countless times before. He never physically harmed me, but there were instances where he threw objects in anger. Sometimes, I wished he had hit me; it would have made the situation clearer. A physical assault would have defined the lines of abuse in black and white, allowing me to leave. But without that, I remained, convincing myself that I wasn’t truly being abused and that others had it worse.
It took me years to understand that domestic violence takes many forms. Just because physical assault wasn’t part of my experience doesn’t mean I wasn’t suffering in much more subtle, yet equally damaging ways. My partner often referred to me in degrading terms, even in front of our child. “Your child is hungry, do you know how to be a mother?” or “Maybe if you moved around more, you wouldn’t feel so tired.” I knew those words didn’t define me, but as the saying goes, if you tell a swan they’re a frog every day, they may start to believe it.
This is the insidious nature of emotional and verbal abuse. It often begins with small jabs disguised as jokes. Your abuser will insist that you’re too sensitive or misunderstanding their intentions. By the time the insults are blatant, they will twist the narrative to make you feel responsible for their words. Their abuse becomes your fault because you provoked it.
You Deserve Better
It took me far too long to recognize that not every relationship mirrors my own. Disagreements and arguments are normal, but the nature of those conflicts can distinguish emotional manipulation from healthy communication. It is never acceptable for your partner to undermine your dignity or self-worth. This isn’t tough love; it’s domestic violence.
From an outsider’s perspective, the warning signs are glaringly obvious. Yet, when you’re in the midst of it, clarity often eludes you. Abusers frequently isolate their partners, making it difficult to seek outside opinions. If someone who cares about you expresses concern about your relationship, don’t dismiss it. My ex often told me to ignore those who challenged our dynamic, claiming they didn’t understand us. In truth, he was trying to shield himself from exposure.
You are not deserving of disrespect or mistreatment. Regardless of how many rationalizations your abuser provides, their behavior is never justified. Emotional and verbal abuse is real and valid enough to warrant leaving. You don’t need physical marks to validate your suffering. Your feelings matter, and we stand by you.
If you find yourself in need of support, reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline or explore their website.
For those interested in related topics, check out this blog post for more insights. Additionally, Intracervical Insemination offers valuable expertise in this area, while NICHD is a fantastic resource for anything regarding pregnancy and home insemination.