For me, drifting off to slumber feels like an uphill battle. I lie in bed, staring at the glowing stars on the ceiling that my kids insist on keeping lit until they fall asleep. Once they’re out, I switch off the twinkling lights and attempt to catch some Z’s, but it rarely works. Like the popular children’s book suggests, I tell myself to “Go the F**K to Sleep.” Insomnia is back with a vengeance.
By the fourth sleepless night, fatigue takes over, and I reluctantly reach for a Xanax. It provides some relief, but I’m wary of becoming reliant on it.
Like many mothers, my sleepless nights started during pregnancy. I was restless with a growing belly, trying to find a comfortable position while carrying twins. In those early months with the babies, I handled the frequent feedings and their little tummy troubles like a pro. Now that my daughters are older, interruptions from nightmares, bathroom trips, and snuggles disrupt my rest, but insomnia is the real culprit.
According to the Office of Women’s Health, about one in four women experience insomnia. Primary insomnia is a recognized sleep disorder, which doctors can diagnose after ruling out any underlying health issues. Secondary insomnia, on the other hand, stems from or coincides with other medical conditions like depression, anxiety, or PTSD. Individuals with insomnia are ten times more likely to experience depression and seventeen times more likely to deal with anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety, hence my use of Xanax.
The Sleep Foundation recommends that adults, including those in the age range of 26 to 64, should aim for seven to nine hours of sleep each night. As I approach my forties, the research indicates that women often suffer from chronic insomnia more frequently than men.
I usually crawl into bed by 10:00 p.m., sometimes even earlier after binge-watching “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” with my partner. Once she falls asleep, her snoring begins. Is that the reason I can’t sleep? Not really, as I’ve managed to tune her out with our white noise machine. Curiously, I can’t pinpoint what exactly is keeping me awake.
After kissing my daughters goodnight and expressing my love for them, I reflect on my gratitude for the positives in my life, such as my kids, my job, and my health. I try to clear my mind and release the day’s stress, but tossing and turning becomes the norm. I shift positions, hoping that a new angle will magically help me drift off instead of relying on Xanax. I even try counting backward from ten, but nothing seems to work.
Perhaps it’s the anticipation of nighttime interruptions. Our youngest often arrives, unhappy with her bed, leading me to end up in her unicorn-themed twin bed, feeling dazed and disoriented by morning.
The long nights of insomnia feel like a brutal hangover. When awake, I often create mental lists of home projects I want to tackle, planning decorations and budgeting, which eventually leads me down a Pinterest rabbit hole. But five seconds in, I realize that window shopping at 1:00 a.m. isn’t helping anyone.
To combat sleeplessness, I sometimes resort to Xanax, though I try to limit its use. Having witnessed my parents’ struggles with addiction, I tread cautiously. I push myself to endure four sleepless nights before resorting to medication. Instead, I often seek alternatives like meditation, reducing caffeine intake, taking a day off work, or disconnecting from the internet. Occasionally, these methods help, but I wish I could find a reliable solution.
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Summary
This article shares the struggle of dealing with insomnia, particularly as a mother. It discusses the effects of pregnancy on sleep and the challenges of sleepless nights due to children’s needs. It highlights the prevalence of insomnia, especially among women, and the author’s personal experiences with medication and various sleep strategies.
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