Next month, I’ll celebrate fifteen years of marriage, having spent three years together before that. When you share your life with someone for such a long time, you really come to know one another. I can’t imagine my life without my husband, and I hope I never have to. He’s a wonderful man who loves me deeply, and I’ve learned to be the wife he needs. Our bond is strong. To keep our love alive as we grow old together, we’ve mastered the art of genuine forgiveness, even when it’s incredibly challenging.
Of course, we weren’t always pros at this. We married young, at 21, and spent our early twenties navigating a complex relationship with still-developing minds and identities. We faced many growing pains. Yet, amidst all that, we accidentally stumbled upon some effective strategies for healthy communication.
Recently, I came across an insightful article about forgiveness by writer and professor Arthur Brooks. He discusses various forms of forgiveness and their impact on relationships. I found myself reflecting on moments when I excelled at forgiveness, feeling proud of how I maintained my connections and inner peace.
However, Brooks also touched on two forms of toxic, insincere forgiveness that made me cringe. I could easily recall instances when I had fallen into those traps, and let me tell you, nothing good came from it.
For a deeper dive into healthy forgiveness strategies, I highly recommend reading Arthur Brooks’ column. The quick summary is that you can engage in open dialogue, express affection (hello, make-up moments!), genuinely articulate forgiveness, or practice minimization—deciding to let things go without a fight.
Recognizing Toxic Forms of Insincere Forgiveness
Now, let’s address the toxic forms of insincere forgiveness. Recognizing them is essential to preserving any relationship.
A Quick Note: What I’m discussing here pertains only to meaningful relationships that you genuinely wish to maintain—those characterized by mutual love, respect, and kindness, even when conflicts arise. Choosing authentic forgiveness over toxic alternatives is vital for sustaining these valuable connections.
Some relationships, however, may not warrant the effort it takes to forgive. I grew up in a setting that conflated forgiveness with reconciliation, which often led people to overlook serious wrongs in the name of forgiveness. If someone has harmed you, it’s okay to feel angry and prioritize your safety. Abusers don’t deserve forgiveness, and when you’re ready, you can work on letting go of that pain for your own peace.
Two Categories of Toxic Forgiveness
Conditional Forgiveness
According to Brooks, this is a form of forgiveness where you set terms for reconciliation. It’s akin to the toxic counterpart of a productive discussion. Instead of having a candid conversation, you might say, “I’ll forgive you once you fulfill my list of demands derived from my hurt and expectations.” While you may not articulate this outright, placing conditions on your forgiveness essentially communicates that you’re still holding onto anger. This approach only prolongs your hurt and gives you a false sense of control over the other person. Ultimately, trying to control someone else’s actions is futile and draining. When you cling to resentment while trying to maintain a relationship, how can you expect anything healthy to flourish? Genuine communication may be challenging, but it’s crucial for true forgiveness.
Pseudo-Forgiveness
This form is the dark twin of minimization. Instead of prioritizing the relationship and choosing to set aside grievances, you sweep issues under the rug while harboring resentment. Walking around secretly upset while pretending everything is okay is a recipe for disaster. If you know you can’t let go of a situation, then minimization isn’t the right approach. Ignoring your feelings can lead to an explosive situation down the line; you deserve better than that.
Research shows that insincere forgiveness damages relationships. I’d argue that being honest about your unwillingness to forgive is less harmful than engaging in conditional forgiveness. If you’re not ready to forgive someone, just say so! It’s perfectly acceptable to communicate that you need time. Remember, open discussion is a hallmark of healthy forgiveness.
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In summary, recognizing and avoiding toxic forms of forgiveness—such as conditional and pseudo-forgiveness—is crucial for nurturing healthy relationships. By engaging in open communication and genuinely addressing issues, you can foster stronger connections with those you care about.