I’ve been off my medication for almost a week now, and my mental health is starting to decline. There are upsides, though. I’m in a manic phase, which means I’m getting less sleep but accomplishing a lot more. My productivity is through the roof—I’m answering numerous emails daily and producing over a dozen articles each week. I’ve even shed some pounds and have adopted a consistent, albeit obsessive, exercise routine. My mind races faster than I can run. I feel euphoric, happier than ever. But then there are the voices. Yes, the auditory hallucinations have returned.
Most people associate hallucinations with visual experiences, like characters from movies or an old uncle on a psychedelic trip. But I don’t see things; instead, I hear voices—murmurs from the past, present, and future. While this may sound concerning, it’s not typically alarming. In the moment, it feels like I’m overhearing a conversation, similar to listening to two friends chatting at the grocery store.
My hallucinations resemble a phone call without the necessary equipment. I’ve had conversations with my therapist and psychiatrist, albeit in my mind. It feels like there’s a TV playing in the background or a radio station only I can tune into. Most of the time, these voices go unnoticed; they are as real to me as anything else in my life.
Some of the voices are harmless, almost irritating, but never threatening. Others, however, offer unsolicited advice on my actions and emotions. A few are downright cruel, constantly criticizing and belittling me. Yet, they’re always present, whether they act as allies or adversaries.
I understand this may sound unusual. It is. I have a genuine diagnosis—bipolar disorder with mixed moods. I also deal with PTSD and anxiety. While PTSD doesn’t lead to hallucinations, anxiety drives me to have frantic conversations within my mind. Combined with the auditory hallucinations, it can feel overwhelming, like trying to isolate a single noise at a loud concert.
According to an article on Healthline, “Psychosis is a symptom of a condition, not a disorder. People experiencing psychosis may have hallucinations or delusions.” It goes on to explain that individuals with bipolar disorder may experience psychotic symptoms, especially during intense episodes of mania or depression. This holds true for me; the voices tend to emerge when I’m manic or off my medication.
The silver lining is that my medication helps manage these voices. When I stick to my regimen, I can quiet the mental noise. However, stress can trigger a resurgence of the voices, and during periods of depression, I sometimes neglect my medication. When I sink into despair, I often prioritize sleep over taking my pills, and mania tricks me into thinking I don’t need them. It’s a constant struggle, and I often find myself conversing with inanimate objects like my bedding and pillows.
The article further notes that “psychosis in bipolar disorder can happen during manic or depressive episodes but is more common during episodes of mania.” Contrary to popular belief, psychosis doesn’t appear suddenly; it typically develops gradually, influenced by sleep deprivation, fluctuating hormone levels, and even sexual activity.
Despite everything, I’m committed to fighting through this. Even while off my medication, I’m doing my best to persevere. Sometimes the voices feel like my enemies, but at other times, they seem like my only companions.
For more insights on similar topics, check out this other blog post and see how experts discuss the nuances of these experiences. If you’re interested in more resources, this site offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, navigating the experience of bipolar hallucinations is complex. While there can be moments of joy and productivity during mania, the accompanying auditory hallucinations can be challenging. Understanding this condition and seeking appropriate treatment are crucial for managing symptoms and maintaining mental health.