I want to start by saying that my relationship with my mother is currently wonderful! We’ve reached a point of growth and understanding that I never thought possible. However, our journey has not always been this smooth.
I come from a long line of troubled mother-daughter dynamics. Let’s be honest—family therapy would do us some good. Many of these relationships only begin to heal when the daughter reaches adulthood, often due to unavoidable circumstances. For instance, my great-grandmother’s need for support means my grandmother has to step in, which forces their relationship into a different, complicated space.
My past relationship with my mom has been, to put it mildly, rocky. During my teenage years, I was the classic rebellious kid who thought I had all the answers. I skipped school, “ran away,” and even moved over 500 miles away with a boyfriend who was toxic for me. I felt abandoned by my mom during that time, and I carried that resentment with me for many years.
In 2014, I became pregnant with my first child. In my third trimester, I found myself asking my younger brother, “What if I can’t handle this?” I felt so lost and was not yet in a place to seek my mother’s guidance. I had no idea what it truly meant to be a “good mom.” He reassured me that I would manage just fine, especially since I was having a son—boys naturally gravitate towards their mothers. I thought I was safe from repeating any generational cycles because this would be different. And in some ways, it was.
Now, I’m on my third baby. After two boys, I longed for a daughter. However, the thought of nurturing a healthy mother-daughter relationship was daunting. When I learned I was having a girl last year, I found myself grappling with the same question: WHAT IF I CAN’T DO THIS? This time, it felt more serious. Even though I had experience as a mother, each child comes with its unique challenges, especially when it comes to understanding how to be a good daughter myself.
The idea of having a daughter terrifies me. I see so much of myself in her. I ponder how she’ll navigate life and wonder about her curiosity as she takes in the world around her. Part of me worries that her bright eyes might see my own vulnerabilities. I often find myself gazing at my 12-week-old daughter, hoping I won’t fail her. I’ve even voiced this fear to her multiple times. While I strive to be a good mother to all my children, having a daughter feels like it comes with an added weight of responsibility. I’m faced with the challenge of learning to be a good daughter while also being a different kind of mom. I’m grieving the relationship I wish I could have while actively working to become the parent she deserves. Is being a challenging teenager something that runs in the family?
For me, being an excellent mom to my daughter means also being a good daughter to my mother. I want to lead by example and demonstrate what healthy, functional relationships between women look like. I’m grateful that my family is prepared to work on these issues together. I know that not everyone has this opportunity, and I don’t take it lightly.
I don’t expect this journey to be easy. Writing has always been my preferred means of expression, and I anticipate having some challenging conversations ahead. I can already imagine the difficult talk that might follow once this article is read. But I owe it to my inner child, my children, and my mom to have these discussions. No more ignoring feelings or pretending everything is okay. I owe it to my daughter, and I am determined to be an amazing mother to her, even if it scares me.
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In summary, I am committed to breaking the cycle of dysfunction within my family and fostering a loving relationship with my daughter, drawing on my experiences and striving to set a positive example.