About a year into my recovery, I found myself in a body that was just on the edge of plus size. In some brands, I could still fit into a 16, while in most, I was an 18. I could wear large or extra-large sizes from many retailers, but shopping became a far cry from the ease I once knew. I had to sift through countless racks to find something cute that fit my new shape, trying on everything regardless of my desire to do so. While I could still step into nearly any store and find clothing, it was a vastly different experience than what I had been accustomed to.
Adjusting to life in a larger body was a challenge. I had previously been around the same size during high school and had endured the emotional trauma associated with being larger than most. My struggle to be thin stemmed from a desire to escape that trauma, but I soon realized the cost of conforming to societal expectations of a smaller body was too steep. I had to come to terms with my plus-size body and learn to embrace it.
But where do I begin? My therapist advised me to find acceptance from within, yet the voices of my eating disorder loomed large. Every time I looked inward, I was met with harsh messages urging me to detest my current body.
In search of guidance, I turned to external sources—individuals in recovery who could help me navigate acceptance. I tuned into recovery podcasts like Recovery Warriors and Food Psych, and I explored literature recommended by their guests, such as “Life Without ED.” Hearing these women share their stories was eye-opening. They taught me that recovery was achievable and that I didn’t have to remain trapped in my eating disorders forever. Yet, something was still missing.
The voices I heard were from women who had emerged from recovery into bodies that were considered thin or “normal.” They hadn’t experienced what it was like to be plus-sized during recovery, nor had they faced the discrimination that often accompanies living in a fat body.
Fast forward to today, and I recognize that the landscape has evolved significantly. Many of those women are now actively uplifting the voices of individuals in larger bodies and advocating for fat liberation.
I knew I needed to connect with those whose experiences mirrored mine to learn how to live fully in my body, regardless of its size. Naturally, I turned to the Internet and discovered the Body Positivity movement. I found individuals who looked like me, confidently sharing nude photos, wearing crop tops and bikinis, and genuinely enjoying their bodies.
I immersed myself in this community, following body-positive influencers on social media and engaging with their blogs and podcasts. It felt as though I had finally found my tribe—a welcoming space where I could feel accepted.
As I delved deeper, I began uncovering the fat positivity movement. I encountered individuals who identified as truly fat, those whose bodies did not conform to traditional plus-size clothing categories. Their experiences were vastly different from mine; they spoke about struggles like fitting into airplane seats or facing systemic discrimination in healthcare. They highlighted the pay disparities and challenges in job markets for fat individuals.
They asserted that body positivity often fell short in addressing the needs of those in larger bodies. Many criticized the movement for being diluted by those in smaller fat bodies, including myself, focusing too much on self-love and fashion without addressing systemic issues. At that time, I felt defensive. After all, I was grappling with my own battles! Didn’t I deserve to love my body and find clothes that fit without ridicule?
Reflecting now, I understand that these activists weren’t dismissing my struggles; they were emphasizing that the challenges faced increase as one moves further from what society deems “normal.” However, I was unable to grasp that nuance at the time and distanced myself from them, feeling that their messages excluded me.
Honestly, I was afraid of their bodies. I feared becoming what they represented, believing that being fat was acceptable as long as one wasn’t “too fat.” This mindset was rooted in fatphobia, which I have since recognized. I’ve learned that all bodies deserve respect and equality, regardless of size, thanks to the wisdom imparted by the fat-positive community.
I wish I could say I would have sought out these lessons had I not gained weight, but I can’t be certain. For years, I shunned the fat-positive community, clinging to the privileges associated with being on the more acceptable side of the fat spectrum. As my body changed, I was drawn to this community once again, seeking to learn from those who shared my experiences.
Engaging with the insights of fat activists and living in a genuinely fat body helped me see the limitations of the body-positive movement. While individual body image work is essential and a struggle for many, it doesn’t equate to the fight for basic human rights that fat individuals face daily. Radical self-love is vital, but it won’t dismantle the systemic discrimination that fat people endure. Inclusive fashion is crucial, yet it frequently excludes the largest bodies and often overlooks those in lower-income brackets who are more likely to be fat.
Despite finding a stronger connection with fat positivity, I found it hard to let go of the body-positive community. It had introduced me to the concept of self-love and opened the door to body politics. But ultimately, body positivity isn’t my path as a truly fat person. While it holds value for many, it doesn’t address the pressing issues integral to my life in a fat body or contribute to body justice.
The lessons I gleaned from individuals like Mia Johnson, Sarah Lee, and Jason Reed have been invaluable. I owe my understanding to the “elders” of the fat-positive, body liberation, and body justice movements. I can share my journey and insights, but I can’t claim credit for these teachings.
There remains a wealth of knowledge for me to uncover, and my public advocacy is only just beginning.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s journey navigating body positivity and fat acceptance. Initially struggling with body image issues after recovery, the author seeks community and understanding through body positivity. However, as they delve deeper, they discover the limitations of this movement, particularly regarding the experiences of those in larger bodies. Ultimately, the author finds a stronger affinity with the fat positivity movement, recognizing the critical need for systemic change and advocacy for fat individuals.