My aunt has never offered me a compliment, but she’s always quick to share her critiques. One remark that sticks with me was her saying, “I hope you never have kids.” More on that later. Despite her doubts, I excelled at one thing in her eyes—writing. After assisting her daughter with a college admission essay, my aunt finally said something that resembled encouragement: “I hope you do something with this one day.”
Why do I share this? Well, despite her wishes, I went on to have children—two of them. However, beneath the cheerful facade of motherhood I showcased on social media lies a much darker reality: I faced debilitating postpartum depression.
Postpartum depression is often brushed off as merely “the baby blues.” Maybe you searched online after your delivery to understand your tearfulness and read articles that reassured you it was just hormones and would soon balance out. But what if instead of leveling off, the feelings intensified? When someone suggests you’re not adjusting to motherhood well or remarks that your baby is “so easy” after a fleeting visit, you start to feel like you’re losing your grip.
In my experience, isolation became my refuge. Interactions with others only amplified my fears of inadequacy. I’d strap my fussy baby into a carrier and pace the hallway, greeting my partner with empty eyes. He would comment on how I seemed like a shadow of my former self. “Shell” is the perfect descriptor, I thought—fragile and on the verge of breaking. I held onto hope that things would improve after the newborn stage while putting on a brave face on social media. Little did I know, this performance might make other new moms question why they felt so lost.
Social media creates a trap where you measure your reality against everyone else’s highlight reel. I glance at the pictures I posted of my baby and can see beyond the light-hearted captions. For example, “Finally sleeping after an all-night cry session!” really translates to “I’m utterly spent.”
Eventually, I reached a breaking point where I couldn’t maintain the facade any longer. I contemplated leaving everything behind, but instead, I made the most crucial decision of my life: I drove to my doctor’s office.
When I arrived, I was too choked up to speak. My fragile exterior had shattered completely. My doctor looked at me and calmly diagnosed me with postpartum depression. I protested, saying I didn’t want to harm my baby or myself; I just longed for my old life. Then I recognized that postpartum depression doesn’t always match the dramatic portrayals in films. Sometimes, it manifests as a series of beautiful baby photos on social media, concealing feelings of isolation and a desire for connection. Other times, it reveals itself as a tear-streaked reflection in the mirror.
I anticipated facing postpartum depression again when I had my daughter a few years later, and sure enough, it hit me hard. I avoided social situations, making excuse after excuse. Visitors would praise my tidy home, unaware that I had merely shoved the chaos into the recesses of my mind.
This time, I recognized the dark cloud looming and sought help proactively to ensure I could cherish her babyhood. I knew this was my last chance; I wouldn’t let it slip away again.
Help can take many forms. It might mean therapy, medication, or simply allowing yourself to express those bottled-up feelings. It’s essential to discover what works for you, and do it sooner rather than later for your own mental health.
Now, about my aunt. If you’re reading this, I apologize. I went against your wishes and became a parent. Some days, I feel like I’m failing, and there are moments when my kids declare I’m not their friend anymore. Yet, most days, I’m their source of comfort, their storyteller, and their world.
You will be glad to know I took your advice about writing seriously. I’m sharing this to remind other mothers that they’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the monumental transition of motherhood. I’m here to listen when the journey feels too heavy. Thank you for encouraging me to “do something with this.” If my words resonate with even one person, it’s the most significant compliment you’ve ever given me.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the struggles of concealing postpartum depression behind the cheerful images of motherhood shared on social media. It emphasizes the importance of seeking help and being transparent about the challenges of motherhood, while also acknowledging the journey of self-discovery and support for other mothers.