Recently, my partner and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together even longer, as high school sweethearts, marking nearly 29 years of shared life. That’s quite a journey!
I tend to shy away from overly sentimental posts about marriage. While I cherish my relationship, I believe there’s a lot of unrealistic fluff surrounding the concept of marriage. The essence of a solid partnership is not something that can be neatly packaged into a catchy meme or social media post. Additionally, much of the marriage advice out there can lead to disappointment by setting unattainable standards.
People often inquire about our secret to a lasting relationship. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure! We share similar values regarding marriage, family, and relationships, and our personalities mesh well. However, when I took some time to reflect on what has contributed to our successful marriage, I discovered I had quite a bit to say. The ingredients to enduring relationships are plentiful, and I’ve come to appreciate them more fully over the years.
Here are 20 lessons I’ve gleaned from 20 years of matrimony:
- Choose Someone Who Makes You Laugh
Laughter is vital in both marriage and life. The challenges of parenting are much easier to face with a sense of humor. My partner is the funniest person I know, and without that laughter, I doubt our marriage would thrive. - You’ll Encounter the Same Arguments Repeatedly
You might not realize it at first, but you’ll find yourselves revisiting the same discussions repeatedly, albeit in different contexts. Recognizing this pattern can help you manage conflicts more effectively. - Acceptance of Unchangeable Traits
Over time, you’ll recognize certain traits in each other that won’t change. With this understanding, you can stop trying to mold your partner (or yourself) into an ideal version. - Clarification of Non-Negotiables
While acceptance is key, you’ll also become clearer about your own deal-breakers. For some couples, this realization can lead to growth, while for others, it might signal the end. - Feeling Lost Is Normal
No matter how much time passes, it often feels like you’re navigating through uncharted territory regarding finances, parenting, and more. Each year brings new challenges, but you’ll gain confidence in your ability to tackle them. - Scheduling Time Together Is Essential
As the years go by, it may feel unromantic to schedule dates, but doing so becomes crucial as life gets busier. Embracing this necessity will help you prioritize your relationship. - You Will Change and Stay the Same
You may always be those two people who fell in love, but as you progress through life, you’ll see how much you’ve each evolved. Sometimes, looking back at the person you married can feel like seeing a stranger. - Going to Bed Angry Is Okay
While you might be told never to go to bed angry, sometimes it’s necessary to give each other space to process difficult emotions. Trust that time and reflection will help resolve issues. - You Can Handle Tough Times
Some years will test your marriage, but overcoming challenges together builds resilience. Each hurdle strengthens your bond for future trials. - Love Requires Action
Marriage is about actively showing up for one another. Love is not just a feeling; it’s about sharing responsibilities and support. - Desire Fluctuates
It’s normal for sexual desire to ebb and flow over the years. Open communication during dry spells is crucial, as it often signals deeper issues like stress or feeling undervalued. - Shared Core Beliefs Matter
While minor disagreements are manageable, aligning on fundamental beliefs is essential for long-term compatibility. Over time, these differences may become more significant. - Happily Married Doesn’t Mean Constant Happiness
The idea of being “happily married” is misleading; it’s impossible to feel joyful all the time. What matters is emotional safety and knowing your partner supports you. - Maintain Your Own Passions and Friendships
Having interests outside your marriage is vital for personal fulfillment. Relying solely on your partner for all emotional and social needs is unhealthy. - Little Irritations Persist
You’ll never completely stop being annoyed by your partner’s quirks, whether it’s their eating habits or clutter. - Partner Up for the Tasks You Dread
We have an unspoken agreement—if one of us makes a mess, the other steps in to help. It’s a small but effective way to foster teamwork. - Understanding Aging Together
As you enter your 40s and face life’s physical changes, you’ll gain a deeper appreciation for what it means to grow old together. - Honesty Becomes Easier
Over the years, discussing uncomfortable topics becomes second nature. The awkwardness fades, making room for more honest communication. - Stop Comparing Your Marriage
Initially, it might be tempting to compare your relationship with others. However, every marriage is unique, shaped by circumstances and individual dynamics. - Surviving a Global Crisis Strengthens Your Bond
The pandemic has illuminated many relationships. Being confined together showed some couples their incompatibilities, while others realized their marriages could weather any storm.
This reflection is based solely on my journey, and I know others may have different experiences. As the saying goes, “Take what resonates and leave the rest.” I wouldn’t be surprised if my partner reads this and has a different perspective, and that’s okay! Healthy disagreements are part of what keeps our relationship strong.
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In summary, the journey of marriage is filled with lessons that evolve over the years. From understanding the importance of laughter to recognizing the necessity of maintaining individuality, each experience contributes to a deeper connection and appreciation for one another.