Date: Aug. 10, 2021
Trigger warning: child loss
I’ve found a sense of acceptance regarding the loss of my child, a realization I once thought I would never reach. There was a time when I resisted this thought, but now, it is true.
Experiencing such an unimaginable tragedy transforms you. The weight of grief makes your body weary of the fight against reality, leading you to a place of acceptance — though it’s tender and not built in a day, month, or even a year. It’s inconsistent, too. Special occasions arise years later, forcing you to grapple with the finality of your child’s absence once again.
What should have been my child’s first day of kindergarten is one of those poignant moments.
As I scroll through social media and see friends sharing photos of their back-to-school preparations with their soon-to-be kindergartners, I’m painfully reminded of everything that I’m missing, and how cruel life can be. I cherish the memories of my child as she was, but I rarely allow myself to envision what she would be like today. It feels too excruciating, and I don’t find solace in imagining a future that will never be.
However, recently, I’ve found it difficult to suppress those thoughts. Every kindergartner I encounter reminds me of the potential my child had. The imagined life of a five-year-old embarking on her educational journey becomes a cascade of what-ifs that weigh heavily on my heart.
I long to know her as a kindergartner — to discover her unique traits, interests, and concerns. I wish I could tell her to pause her growth, to remain my forever baby. I yearn to fill out one of those “about me” boards and capture photos of her on our porch, just like all the other parents will be doing. I wish she were here, and that the love I hold for her had a place to go.
All the dreams I had for her have faded, replaced by a haunting emptiness that I never anticipated. I never thought I would feel such an intense sense of loss each time I saw friends celebrating milestones like meet-the-teacher night. I find myself questioning what life would have been like if she were still here.
The brief moments of joy I feel when imagining who she might have been are swiftly eclipsed by the harsh reality of who she will never be. I feel sorrow, anger, and a sense of injustice; mothers are not meant to outlive their children.
I’ve learned that these feelings are constant companions, and I must learn to coexist with them. It’s not about being brave or strong; it’s simply about moving forward because life continues regardless of personal tragedies.
Watching other children start kindergarten serves as a stark reminder of my loss. It’s a new milestone, one that took almost five years to truly impact me. Despite having navigated countless holidays, birthdays, and ordinary days without her, this is the first time I face the reality of her absence on what should have been her first day of school.
This milestone signifies not just her absence, but also the passage of time — the memories we could have created and the experiences that will never occur. Just over four months, or 124 days, feels simultaneously fleeting and eternal. It’s never enough when forever is what you expected.
These are the truths I must confront repeatedly: my baby will always be my baby; we will not create new memories; who she was is who she will always be; she will not be starting kindergarten this year.
There’s comfort in knowing I’ve walked this path before, familiar with these emotions. They are stitched into the fabric of my being, and I wear them with a bittersweet pride.
I embrace the coexistence of grief and joy. Life’s beauty often shines brighter after enduring the darkness. Even though she won’t be here for her first day of kindergarten, I’ve made peace with her passing.
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In summary, the journey through grief is complex, especially when faced with milestones that highlight absence. The longing for what could have been can be overwhelming, but acceptance and resilience can coexist with sorrow. Finding ways to honor the memory of a lost child while navigating life’s ongoing moments is essential.