I cherish friendships from various stages of my life. From childhood pals to college girlfriends and those I met later through work and motherhood, each has a unique significance. I appreciate that social media allows me to stay connected with them through simple likes and occasional texts, understanding that as a busy mom of four, I don’t have the bandwidth for demanding friendships.
However, my closest friend is the most demanding of them all. We were roommates in college and have navigated life’s ups and downs together. I was there for her during significant events—her wedding in our junior year, her divorce, and her second marriage. I supported her through career changes and family drama, even flying to Vegas for her third wedding. Our friendship spans 25 years, and while we share a deep bond, her expectations have become overwhelming, and I can no longer meet them.
Despite having had several relationships, she chose not to have children, focusing instead on indulging herself, her dogs, and her partner. Her life is filled with luxury—designer handbags, stylish shoes, and an upscale loft in the city. She has traveled extensively, showcasing her adventures through her passport. It’s an exciting life, but it’s worlds apart from mine, and she doesn’t seem to grasp that difference.
I’m not commuting for hours or available for every phone call. Often, when I see her name pop up on my phone, I send it to voicemail. My life is filled with chores, homework help, and driving to activities. I can’t sacrifice precious moments with my kids to engage in lengthy conversations that sometimes feel trivial. I know it may sound harsh, but when she calls to vent about a chipped nail, I can’t help but think it doesn’t warrant a phone call. A quick text with sympathy should suffice, but for her, it’s not enough.
She questions why I don’t pamper myself in the same way she does, expressing concern that I’ve “lost myself.” But it’s not that I’ve let myself go; my priorities have simply shifted. I used to enjoy getting my nails done when I worked outside the home, but now I’d rather spend that money on my kids. Our priorities are just not aligned, and she struggles to understand that.
“How have you not tried that new restaurant?” she asks, baffled that date night isn’t a regular occurrence for me. I can’t binge-watch shows like “Virgin River” because I can’t set aside hours for it. While she jets off to Mexico for a five-day getaway, my idea of a break is a solo trip to Target. These experiences are vastly different, yet she doesn’t see it.
Recently, during a family beach vacation, I received a call from her on the first day. When I explained we were busy, she still reached out multiple times over the next few days, simply because she missed me. It felt suffocating, as if I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my vacation without her being part of it.
To be fair, I do reach out when I can dedicate time to our friendship. I want to catch up and hear about her life, but I don’t need constant updates. Even my husband and I don’t communicate that much!
I understand that she experiences loneliness and has faced challenges, but I can’t relate to her feelings when five people rely on me daily. My life is packed with responsibilities, leaving little room for self-reflection unless it’s the middle of the night and I’m awake, lost in my thoughts. She has ample time for contemplation, which makes it hard for me to empathize.
I don’t pity her; she has a fulfilling life that she enjoys. Her lifestyle is a choice, one I respect even if it differs from mine. I chose motherhood over a career, and I don’t regret that decision. I wish she could understand that my daily struggles are not something I burden her with because I know she can’t relate.
She is my dearest friend, and I would stand by her side in an emergency. She knows this, just as I know she would do the same for me. We’ve shared significant moments—she was there on my wedding day and at the hospital when my daughter was born. I’ve celebrated her milestones and supported her during tough times. Our dinners and occasional pedicures are special to me, yet I wish they could be sufficient for her. A simple “hey” text is often all I can manage.
I want her in my life forever and hope we can continue to share our joys and challenges. Ultimately, she is my favorite person to talk to; I just can’t devote 45 minutes every Tuesday morning to do so.
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Summary:
The article discusses the challenges of maintaining a friendship with a high-maintenance best friend while navigating the responsibilities of motherhood. Despite a long history together, the author struggles to meet her friend’s demands for attention and connection, leading to feelings of overwhelm. The narrative highlights differences in lifestyle choices and priorities, emphasizing the importance of understanding and adapting within friendships.