“Come back here,” I call to my son from the kitchen, where chaos reigns: an open bag of bagels, a messy block of cream cheese left exposed, and crumbs scattered around a toaster pulled away from the wall.
“What?” my 15-year-old replies, bounding back in with an innocent look in his big brown eyes.
I simply gaze at him, and he mirrors my expression, clearly puzzled.
“Just … take a look around,” I prompt, maintaining eye contact. “Why do you think I summoned you back?”
His eyes flit around the room, and a grimace crosses his face. “Oh. Oops. Sorry.” He quickly begins to clean up.
This scene often unfolds when my son is preparing his own meals or engaging in any task that disrupts the order of our home. Instead of directly instructing him, I invite him to assess the situation on his own. Gradually, I’ve noticed he requires this nudge less often.
When my kids were younger, I provided them with detailed chore checklists, outlining each step of a task, like “clean the bathroom,” detailing it further to “wipe the sink” and “scrub the toilet bowl.” Now, I simplify it to just saying, “clean the bathroom.”
My son, however, has never been one to instinctively organize or notice when a space needs tidying. He often forgets to return items to their places, be they kitchen utensils or actual tools. With ADHD, he struggles with these tasks.
And that’s perfectly okay. I don’t expect my children to excel in every area. My son has strengths in different aspects of life—organization and tidiness may just not be among them. Nevertheless, I refuse to let my son become one of those men who claims he simply doesn’t notice the mess or believes he needs to be told what to do.
It’s essential for parents to teach their children basic household chores, but many overlook the importance of instilling the understanding of invisible labor—the everyday emotional tasks that go unnoticed. This type of labor often falls heavily on women in heterosexual relationships, as studies consistently show that even in dual-income households, women disproportionately handle household management.
This isn’t just a problem for stay-at-home moms; it extends to working couples where the woman still ends up managing household tasks, often unrequested and unacknowledged. Common advice suggests that women should just ask for help, but this perpetuates the cycle of invisible labor and fails to address the broader issue.
Now, imagine a world where boys are taught early on to recognize what needs to be done in a space. What if they learned that when a trash can is full, it should be taken out? Or that when the washing machine beeps, it’s time to switch the laundry? If they were raised with the expectation of noticing and acting without needing explicit instructions, we might see a significant shift in household dynamics.
My goal for both of my children, especially my son, is to ensure they understand this concept. I want to prevent him from causing the frustration so many women face due to their partners’ lack of awareness and initiative.
Chore lists are beneficial—they set clear expectations. However, we must also teach our children to assess their surroundings and determine how they can contribute to the household. By asking them questions like, “What needs to be done in this room?” we actively engage them in the process of recognizing their responsibilities.
This skill doesn’t come naturally for many, and we often mistakenly assume boys can’t learn it. Instead of giving up when they struggle, we should encourage them to develop this valuable ability. For my son, I have started asking him to look around before leaving a room. Is it at least as tidy as when he entered? If not, he should take steps to improve it. The principle is simple: always leave a space better than you found it.
This is a crucial life lesson to impart to our children, one that will serve them well in the future.
To explore more about related topics, check out this post on home insemination and learn more about invisible labor. For excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Cleveland Clinic’s podcast.