I recently filled out paperwork for meetings with a loan officer and a financial advisor. Honestly, I’m not very optimistic about finding a house in this crazy market—I lack hundreds of thousands in cash, and I definitely don’t want to skip an inspection only to discover mold, rodents, or something worse lurking in the basement. Still, I need to explore my options because I’m once again on the hunt for a place to call my own. Although I’m technically a renter, my landlord is my ex-partner, and I’ve been occupying the spare room in the house we purchased together for over two years, where we raise our three kids. So yes, I’m still living with my ex, but we’ve successfully navigated this arrangement.
It’s been almost three years since my marriage began to fall apart. I’m the one who pulled the threads that were starting to unravel, initiating the divorce process. However, I don’t assign blame to anyone; our life plans simply diverged from what we both expected. I don’t view my marriage as a failure, either, as it was filled with love, cherished memories, and three wonderful children after nearly two decades together.
Ending my marriage didn’t erase any of those truths. However, it did require my ex and me to create a new reality. We had to reintroduce ourselves to each other with different expectations and navigate through intense emotions. Each of us had to figure out how to manage finances, co-parenting, and new relationships while still living in the same house.
Initially, this was purely a financial decision. I had always been the primary stay-at-home parent, and my earning potential only began to rise as my kids entered full-time school. I couldn’t afford to move out, and my ex couldn’t handle the mortgage alone. We accepted our situation and consciously worked to create a shared living environment that minimized tension, ensuring our kids had a safe and happy home. They understood our circumstances as well as six- and eight-year-olds could, and knew I would move out when the right house became available. We continued to move forward while gradually establishing a new normal for our family.
Now, our kids even point out houses they think I should buy and eagerly anticipate decorating a new room. They observe the respectful separation of their parents while recognizing that some things will always remain unchanged—specifically, our love for them and our commitment to being present together at sports events, parent-teacher conferences, medical appointments, and holidays. Although we have new routines, our presence in their lives is unwavering. The kids are also excited about going on vacations with my long-distance partner and her children, understanding that my ex and their other parent are just as thrilled about these new connections.
My ex has met my new partner and welcomes her into our lives. I, too, support her dating endeavors. We genuinely want each other to flourish and find happiness. It took some time to navigate the new dynamics of dating other people, but we were committed to effective co-parenting and approached challenges with goodwill and support, even when it was tough. The mediator who assisted us during our divorce was instrumental, as she was not only a professional but also acted like a life coach and therapist while helping us with custody arrangements. Just as we thought we were nearing closure, the pandemic hit.
Being confined to a house with your ex during a pandemic while managing three children, their schooling, and two full-time jobs could easily be a nightmare scenario. However, we chose to make it work. We built our foundation on respect and friendship, adopting an “us vs. them” mentality when it came to parenting. While things got messy at times, our environment was never toxic or abusive. In fact, it turned out to be a blessing—at least in my view; my ex might have different thoughts. Living together again forced us to mature, but in a new way, allowing us to gain independence and learn new roles without feeling entirely alone.
Though we’ve benefited from this living arrangement post-separation, we’re both ready for me to find my own space. We don’t harbor ill feelings toward each other, and although living apart will complicate some situations, we’re ready to move forward. I’m unsure when I’ll finally be able to move out, but my ex will join me at the meeting with the loan officer next week. I’ll take the lead in the discussion, but I asked her to be there as a supportive friend who can ask questions I might overlook. When the time comes, she and our kids will also help me look at potential houses.
I recognize how fortunate we are to have navigated divorce and co-parenting in a healthy manner for ourselves and our kids. Our situation is rare, but it has worked out beautifully compared to many alternatives—and I’m grateful to have married and then divorced someone who remains a friend. For more insights on navigating relationships and parenting, check out this blog post. Additionally, for expert advice on pregnancy, visit this resource or read about home insemination techniques.
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In summary, while living with an ex might seem unconventional, it can lead to a cooperative and supportive co-parenting relationship. By prioritizing respect and communication, it is possible to create a nurturing environment for children even as family dynamics change.