As I approach the end of my chemotherapy treatment, I find myself enveloped in a whirlwind of emotions. Naturally, I’m excited to close this chapter of my journey with breast cancer, but I also feel trepidation about what lies ahead. This marks my second fight against breast cancer, and I can’t shake the memories of my past experiences.
A part of me longs to celebrate loudly, perhaps with champagne and an exuberant ring of the victory bell at the treatment center. Yet, another part of me understands that the post-cancer fog will linger for a while. Transitioning from being a fighter to a survivor doesn’t erase the deep scars left by such trauma. Anyone who has endured a significant life experience can relate; returning to “normal” is simply not possible after such upheaval.
Understanding Trauma
Trauma is defined by the American Psychological Association as “an emotional response to a terrible event,” encompassing various situations such as accidents, abuse, or natural disasters. Following a traumatic event, feelings of shock and denial are common, followed by unpredictable emotions and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. For some, this can escalate into post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which according to the Mayo Clinic, is a mental health condition triggered by terrifying events—either experienced or witnessed. The symptoms can persist for months or even years, often interfering with daily life.
Having endured severe trauma, I recognize that one cannot merely “move on” or “get over” what has occurred. It becomes an integral part of one’s narrative. Yet, society often expects cancer survivors to bask in a newfound perspective on life, to celebrate every moment as a gift. I am indeed grateful for this second chance—well, technically my third chance. Yet, even when cancer has been eradicated through treatments, its shadow remains. Cancer is a relentless adversary, a thief of peace, instilling a lingering sense of vulnerability.
The Pressure to Stay Positive
The pressure to maintain a positive outlook can become another layer of trauma. People often say that “God gives the toughest battles to the strongest soldiers,” implying that I was chosen for this fight because of my strength. This notion feels utterly absurd and, frankly, dismissive of the real pain endured through these battles. Well-meaning comments often add unnecessary burdens to an already challenging journey.
I have been encouraged to stay strong and positive, but sometimes, those are not choices one can control. While maintaining a hopeful mindset is essential, it’s challenging to wear a genuine smile when repeatedly faced with adversity. Instead, the reality is that I must navigate the complexities of my emotions, rising again after each setback.
A Plan for Healing
To facilitate my healing, I have a solid plan in place. I will continue therapy and begin Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to help process the medical trauma I have experienced. The shock of facing cancer again after surgeries and treatments is nothing short of terrifying. I am committed to confronting my reality, building resilience, and exploring the path forward.
Rather than striving to revert to a “normal” state, I aim to forge a new normal. I seek peace and serenity, acknowledging that these require effort. Transitioning from a state of fight-or-flight to calmness is not instantaneous; it involves numerous steps. I won’t wake up one day, throw off the blankets, and prance through life unburdened. Years of vigilance have conditioned me to remain on high alert.
Life After Chemotherapy
Life after chemotherapy will undoubtedly be a blend of hope and anxiety. I look forward to my hair regrowing and the reduction of some side effects from the medications, yet I must brace myself for radiation and continued immunotherapy, which entail more doctor visits and treatments. Concurrently, I will navigate the emotional highs and lows that have now become my baseline.
Finding Hope
If you are grappling with trauma or suspect you may have PTSD, remember that hope exists. The National Institute of Mental Health advises discussing options with your doctor, engaging in physical activities for stress relief, breaking tasks into manageable chunks, surrounding yourself with supportive individuals, and seeking therapy to address trauma.
Healing is a complex journey, but it is far preferable to remaining stuck in the trauma of the past. No matter how hard I try to outrun the stress of my experiences, it always resurfaces. Therefore, my focus is on working through these challenges, celebrating my progress, and seeking insights that may lead to greater peace.
This article was originally published on July 7, 2021.
Related Resources
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Summary:
This article explores the emotional complexities faced by cancer survivors, particularly after multiple battles with the disease. It highlights the nuanced journey of healing, the challenges of maintaining a positive outlook amid trauma, and the importance of therapy and support in navigating post-cancer life. The author emphasizes the need to create a new normal rather than attempting to return to a previous state, recognizing that the scars of trauma will always remain a part of one’s story.